What if ordinary women were treated the way celebs on the red carpet are?
Iwas watching the film Groundhog Day last weekend and suddenly wondered what the lead actress, Andie McDowell, was up to these days. I searched her name on the internet and clicked on the first news story that featured her name. Aha! A link from the Daily Mail which assured me that McDowell has ‘‘a figure that allows her to pass for a woman half her age’’.
May God forgive me, I thought as I continued reading the article. I call it an article but it was really just an overblown picture caption about the star attending the opening of the musical version of Groundhog Day.
Some poor human being who had probably once studied journalism had written: ‘‘the star looked incredible in the formflattering number, which fell at a stylish midi-level. Andie’s garment boast a daringly low-cut neckline – teasing at her ample assets while the wrap detailing honed in on her trim waist.’’
This shouldn’t have come as a surprise given it was in the Daily Mail but it still really grinds my gears to see a woman reduced to her age and what she was wearing.
Then I wondered what foul descriptions would befall me, should someone ever have the misfortune to spot me out and about.
On Monday, Beck Eleven, wooshed from her house to the backyard where her silver yet dusty Nissan Wingroad was awaiting. She appeared to be wearing a hurriedly-donned blue dress that may or may not have passed the sniff test.
She accessorised with the latest pet carrier cage which was filled with a wailing cat as she headed toward the local veterinarian clinic. About thirty minutes later she emerged and was seen attempting to put her phone in her breast pocket where she discovered that pocket was actually on the inside of the dress. This led to her wearing a look of deep humiliation as she discovered she’d been wearing her stinky overworn blue dress inside out all day.
On Tuesday, Beck Eleven, who has the body of a woman twice her age, was spotted with glistening eyes. Her secret? Mistaking a tube of artificial tears that were meant for her cat as balm for her crow’s feet.
A source reports that Beck Eleven was seen on Wednesday evening wearing her robe at 7pm. The source had dropped off some cheese scones and told us she feared for Beck’s sanity as her hair did not look washed and had not been dyed for several months. Beck was sporting a mouse-brown strip along her parting line with grey hairs sprouting through. The robe had possibly been a sparkling white in its day but now gave off a beige hue in the evening light.
Thursday afternoon saw Beck Eleven’s jaw-dropping curves on display as she tried to squeeze her way into an out-of-season summer dress in a cheeky two fingers up to winter. The stunning neckline was simply created by the top button straining to be done up.
Here’s a reminder of the time Beck wore a black winter coat that was so covered in cat fur, her friend refused to be seen in public with her until she promised to carry a lint brush around with her at all times.
In an exclusive interview, a source informs us Beck is already looking ahead to spring when she will probably need to have a good pluck of errant chin and eyebrow hairs and either lose some of that girth or invest in a whole new wardrobe. We can’t wait to see how she fits those ample assets into her clothes otherwise.
Make sure you buy next month’s issue when we look back with a special sealed section ‘‘Six Times Beck Eleven Should Not Have Left the House’’.
‘‘In an exclusive interview, a source informs us Beck is already looking ahead to spring when she will probably need to have a good pluck of errant chin and eyebrow hairs and either lose some of that girth or invest in a whole new wardrobe."