Sir Yeah Nah cracks a few cold tinnies

Sir John Key, welcome. Oh look please, I think like most New Zealanders I don’t need all the formalities. Just call me Sir John. Right then, Sir John. Congratulations on being awarded Australia’s highest honour.

Cheers, yeah, the Honorary Companion in the Order of Australia. She’s a wee corker, as we say. Did I say we? I meant they.

So what exactly did you get it for? Well as my mate Malc noted as we slipped a couple of tinnies of Fosters’ amber nectar down our respective gurglers – and you can’t get a more honest lager than that – ‘‘John, cobber’’, he said, ‘‘you’re a friend of Australia and I’m picking you’ll always be a friend of Australia.’’

So it’s basically about you being a friend to Australia.

It’s not hard, after all they do call it the friendly country and it’s just been very friendly to me. Syrah?

Sorry?

Syrah. A glorious full-bodied drop from the Barossa Valley, surely the world’s premium red-grape growing area.

What about Hawkes Bay?

Yeah nah. Here, have a schooner-full. Fill your boots.

Er, no thanks and I think in Australia they call it shiraz.

Que syrah, shiraz, as the saying goes. Sounds like another fascinating fact about a fascinating country that’s got too much to see in just one visit. While we’re talking the wonders of the Barossa, do you know you can combine a personalised wine and cuisine tour with an outback kangaroo adventure and top it off with a breath-taking hot-air balloon ride? Can you?

I thought I was pretty relaxed, but I didn’t know meaning of pretty relaxed ‘til I took a walkabout in the great Australian countryside.

Sir John… are for you shilling for the Australian Tourism Board?

Why would I? The place speaks for itself! No wonder Australians rejoice, for they are young and free! There’s golden soil and wealth for toil! Their home is girt by sea! The lands abound in nature’s gifts, a beauty rich and rare!

Are you about to start to sing ‘Advance Australia Fair’?

You mean the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? Sir John –

Bonnie Doon! Feel the serenity!

Who are you picking to win the next Bledisloe Cup?

Whoa! Hey hey, careful, you’ll bring down the vibe of my gig.

Sir John, as a good friend of Australia, then, what do you say to the New Zealanders I –say ‘‘Where the bloody hell are ya?’’

It’s like Lara Bingle’s in the room… But what do you say to the New Zealanders who’ve already been living in Australia for years, who work and contribute and pay taxes, but can’t access social services and are treated like second-class citizens?

I’d say I can’t think of a better country to be a second-class citizen in!

Did you mention it to Malc, friend-tofriend?

I did.

What did he say?

He said ‘‘have another tinnie’’.

Sir John Key, thank you.

No worries! Make it my place next time, and I’ll put another shrimp on the barbie.

I thought I was pretty relaxed, but I didn’t know meaning of pretty relaxed ‘til I took a walkabout in the great Australian countryside.