NZ First’s Dear Leader sets the agenda AGENDA: NEW ZEALAND FIRST EXTRAORDINARY BOARD MEETING

Now look here, New Zealand First Board members, you’re about to make the biggest decision of your lives so let’s not stuff this up. I’m used to this type of high pressure and intense media limelight, but you lot patently are not. So stick close and stick to the script.

Talking of script, I’ve drawn up an agenda for the meeting. Print this off and for goodness sake don’t let the media get their sickly liberal Wellington hands on it.

Remember the meeting’s in the Phar Lap Lounge, tum left at the smorgasbord and go through the pokies and you can’t miss it. 1) As soon as you all arrive, hand out name tags so you can recognise each other. Let’s not have a repeat of the shambles last time.

2) I want a complete audit of all the meeting-room furniture, tea and biscuits to ensure they are NZ-made.

3) And I want a high-back black swivel chair and strokeable white cat.

4) Business time! All stand for arrival of Dear Leader (me of course – who did you think? Try to keep up).

5) NZ First Board to form Guard of Honour, sing ‘‘Hail To The Chief’’, throw garlands, explode party poppers, rattle Gold Cards.

6) All seated.

7) All stand for singing of National Anthem (English version)

8) Dear Leader (me) to regale Board with twenty-minute recounting of the long journey to this point starting with ‘‘I’m just happy to be the member for Tauranga’’, encompassing references to everyone who laughed at us, and ending with rhetorical flourish and assertion that ‘‘they’re not laughing now, are they?’’

9) Sustained applause from all Board members. First Board member who stops applauding must leave room to find drinks trolley.

10) Dear Leader to invite everyone to draw closer, to hear the good oil.

11) Dear Leader to tell Board of Five Most Ridiculous Things Bill English said. Compulsory laughing.

12) Dear Leader to tell Board of Five Most Ridiculous Things Jacinda Ardern said. More compulsory laughing.

13) Break time: Everyone get up, go to the window and extend the middle finger to the pack of media reprobates lurking in the carpark downstairs.

14) Dear Leader to table proposed coalition agreement for discussion by the Board. Specific areas of agreement for Board to discuss: font; size of typeface, colour of binder, colour of pens to be used to sign proposed coalition agreement. 15) Consensus achieved.

16) Board member to be delegated to phone leader of successful coalition party and tell them they’d better turn TV news on pronto if they know what’s good for them.

17) Official coalition announcement and photo-opportunity. Now look, there will be many people disappointed with our decision, so it’s my suggestion, and by that I mean it’s an order, that I face the press alone. No need to drag you all into this, I’m happy to take one for the team, because Winston Peters is a team player. Never ever forget that.

18) Now get out of my light.