Habitually late but always present

There always comes a point in a newly made friendship where we’ll have The Conversation. That’s where the other person says something like, ‘‘I just hate when people are late,’’ pointed silence, ‘‘it makes me feel like they don’t respect my time,’’ longer pointed silence, ‘‘and I find it really rude,’’ silence longer and more pointed so the air is practically full of porcupine quills . . . Yes, I’m late.

It seems the world is split into people who are very concerned about always being on time and people who are chronically late. And I’m just the second type. I’m one of society’s white rabbits – a constantly sweaty, stressed mess hurtling around clutching my pocket watch. People hate it, and boy do they love to tell me how they hate it.

Most people insist on having the ‘‘I’m really offended by your lateness’’ conversation with me at some point. But it seems that, however many people I explain lateness to, people are still offended.

So let me explain on behalf of every other chronically late person why you shouldn’t be offended. And why, if you want a real insight into how someone values your friendship, then you need to look elsewhere.

The more you understand about why people are late, the harder it gets to be mad at them.

Most of us late people fall into three camps. Firstly, there’s those people who just have an awful conception of time.

They’re normally those creative types, who are forever getting absorbed into something sparkly and surfacing five hours later after you’ve called them 15 times wondering if they’re still alive. You can try and teach them to understand time, but it’s fruitless. It’s like explaining ripped jeans to your granny.

The second type of late person is the optimist. Studies have shown that optimistic people are far more likely to be late for things because they think they can aways cope with more stuff than they can.

My optimism makes me a happy friend, but a very late one because I’m convinced I can do my washing, call my mum, cook a roast, assemble a flat-pack wardrobe and sculpt a pottery flamingo all before our 11am coffee date.

The last type of person will start getting ready a good two hours early but still be late. You’ll stand in front of your wardrobe, hating your body for being unattractive, useless, and unwanted . . . You become overwhelmed at your own worthlessness and the enormity of leaving the house.

At best, you bully yourself into getting up off the floor and you’re only 30 minutes late. At worst you’ll cancel because you can’t face it. I’m lucky enough to have been this person only infrequently, but some people live with it daily.

So now you understand it, are you really still offended? After all, none of these types of people have any callous or selfish intent towards you or your friendship. In fact, it’s far more of a reflection on themselves than on how they think about you.

Yes, I understand lateness is frustrating. I’m not saying it’s exactly a social virtue, but rather that you should save your ire for a much bigger friendship problem: people who aren’t present.

It’s now acceptable to sit through a coffee date checking your phone every 30 seconds. I find it the height of rudeness when someone scrolls through their phone while I talk to them.

Here I am, trying to share intimate thoughts and feelings. And all someone offers me is an occasional ‘‘Mmmmm’’ while they splatter emojis across a stranger’s icecream photos?

That is infinitely more evil than lateness. Lateness doesn’t contradict one of the most important and vital parts of friendship – the ability to share intimate and meaningful moments with another human. Snapchatting while chatting does.

Not being present is a much, much more accurate insight into how someone values you. There are many reasons someone’s late, not all of them a reflection on your friendship.

But if someone’s not present it’s because they’re either brazenly self-obsessed or they don’t think your conversation is really that important. Given that conversation is more or less the backbone of friendship, that uninterested attitude is a pretty telling sign of how interested they are in your friendship.

So have a little tolerance for late people who still try. I’m always going to be late, I’m wired that way. But hopefully my constant willingness to listen and empathise with a four-hour rant about your flatmate’s loud sexual escapades shows you that I genuinely do care about you.

Besides, I’m sure I’m tolerating your annoying habits too.

It’s now acceptable to sit through a coffee date checking your phone every 30 seconds. I find it the height of rudeness.