Will our new Poseidons have Paywave?
Good afternoon media folk, I am Wing Commander Seldom Jobling of the New Zealand Defence Force. Stand easy, smoke if you wish. I will now take questions on the air force’s new Boeing Poseidon aircraft. Yes, down the back.
Can you tell us about the capabilities of the new aircraft?
The Poseidons’ long range and equipment make them ideally suitable for search and rescue and fisheries patrol missions.
Will they have things that go ‘‘bang’’?
Indeed they will. In line with the Poseidons’ anti-submarine role, they will all be equipped with missiles and torpedos in detachable pods.
Why detachable?
So the aircraft can be readily reconfigured to meet the prevailing political reality.
What does that mean?
It means if the Green Party is in charge we’ll take off the things that go ‘‘bang’’. And replace them with alternative antisubmarine capabilities.
Such as?
We’ll swap out the missiles and torpedos and fill the bomb-bay with leaflets explaining sovereign nations’ nonaggression obligations under the United Nations Charter. Should a Poseidon then encounter a foreign power’s submarine menacing our sea-lanes it will perform a low-level strafing run releasing said leaflets.
Is that all?
Of course not. The Poseidon will then make a 360-degree turn around the surfaced submarine while Golriz Ghahraman stands at the open fuselage door with a megaphone asking it politely to go away.
Why do the Greens get special treatment?
No-one gets special treatment. These planes will be in service for the next 35 years so the Defence Force must be ready for any eventuality. For example, a National government getting elected.
What happens if a National government is elected?
Well, it’s no secret that a significant rump of National MPs still haven’t got over the Skyhawks being scrapped. So depending on how the mix of a National cabinet shakes down, we’ll be ready for that possibility.
What possibility?
The possibility of stripping out all the long-range maritime patrol, antisubmarine and search and rescue gear, sticking some go-faster stripes on the sides of the aircraft and making the pilots all wear Top Gun-style Ray-Bans and sing
You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.
How much use will the Poseidons be then?
About as much use as the Skyhawks ever were, but they will look sexy.
What if there’s an ACT government?
Ha! Oh, you were serious. Well, in the event of an ACT government the configuration of the Poseidon will be essentially the same as the current one, with the addition of an enhanced-range Paywave terminal.
Did you say Paywave?
Indeed. If any yachtie in a capsized boat in the Great Southern Ocean expects to be rescued they’ll need to get out their credit card. Can’t have have billions of dollars of taxpayer dollars being wasted on reckless seamen without some form of user-pays.
And if the yachtie turns out to be an enemy spy the Poseidon can always scare him off by transmitting snippets of David Seymour on Dancing With The Stars.
Ha! Good one! Actually . . . that’s not a bad idea. Somebody get Ron Mark on the horn. I don’t think we’ll need those missiles and torpedos after all . . .