Teach yourself the art of office chatter
If your inbox is anything like mine, you’ll have been receiving invitations to Christmas parties and end-ofyear networking drinks since as early as October.
A few of these events might be genuine opportunities to let your hair down with kindred spirits, but most are occasions for Small Talk and her ugly stepsisters, Awkward Silence and Drunken Babbling.
Small talk is often lumped in with the others, and derided as superficial, but it actually lays the foundation for more authentic conversations. Alan Garner, the author of Conversationally Speaking, describes it as the appetiser before the main course.
The term ‘‘small talk’’ means unstructured conversation with acquaintances and strangers in a social setting. It’s the opposite of transactional discussion.
Many people find small talk tedious, but for those who are socially anxious it can be downright terrifying. Garner suggests you try to stay rational and positive, telling yourself things like ‘‘the anxiety is coming from me, not the situation’’.
A tip for introverts is to channel natural curiosity into small talk. When you ask questions approach it with genuine interest.
But a one-sided conversation is a stilted one. As a Toastmasters article on the art of small talk says, there’s a balance and you should avoid asking question after question without offering information in return.
‘‘Having someone express that much interest in you may be the height of enjoyment and flattery but after a while, it will begin to feel like an interrogation rather than a conversation. Avoid interrogating,’’ the article says.
Done well, small talk is fun rather than dull, and relaxing rather than requiring effort. It might even be so interesting you don’t recognise it as small talk.
How do you find that sweet spot without a fairy godmother to bestow the gift of the gab?
Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk, says she always goes prepared. ‘‘I never approach an industry function, or a networking event without at least three things to talk about. When is the worst time to come up with something to talk about? When you have nothing to talk about!’’
While questions are good, especially open-ended ones, she offers two alternatives.
First, try making a declaration about something positive that’s potentially common ground, so the person can choose to reciprocate. For example, saying ‘‘our host said she just got back from Europe’’ can open up conversation possibilities.
Second, if you’re talking to someone who is hard to engage, try an interview trick of giving people two options.
For example, you say: ‘‘Did you hire a car in France or take the train?’’ If one option is correct they’ll elaborate on it, while if neither option is correct they’ll correct you – ‘‘Actually it was a cycling holiday.’’
Once you know people better, you might graduate from small talk to gossip – another form of conversation that gets a bad rap.
Gossip is the currency of human social interaction, as Andrew O’Keeffe, the author of Hardwired Humans, explains.
Just as chimpanzees groom one another to build social connection, for humans ‘‘gossip is grooming without the fleas’’, he says.
It’s true that negative gossip can create a toxic workplace, but for the most part sharing social news and discussing human behaviour and interactions builds camaraderie and connection.
But to gossip, you need to have something in common already. So before you can get to the good stuff, there’s small talk.
–Sydney Morning Herald