Victim told: ‘My fault he was cheating on me’
Family violence typically peaks around Christmas. This year it spiked two months early with agencies bracing for a ‘frantic’ couple of months. Joel Ineson reports.
Christine* had no idea she was a victim of domestic abuse until that abuse became violent.
She had been subjected to it verbally, psychologically and financially throughout their long-term relationship. Her children were affected too.
It became clearer one Christmas her marriage was not going well. Her husband would drink a lot, was controlling and would start arguments with extended family.
She had not realised the extent of the problems before. Life had been busy with work and raising the children.
‘‘All of a sudden there’s presents, Christmas dinner and family, and there’s all those pressures that come on to you,’’ she said.
‘‘I organised everything and I had to make sure everything worked smoothly so that he didn’t get upset. I was on eggshells. I still wasn’t afraid of him but I was avoiding his bad moods.’’
Still, his behaviour was not recognised as abuse for some time. Such relationships are ‘‘not cut and dry’’. Confronting him about an affair eventually made him violent.
‘‘He jumped on me and started hitting me in the head – full-on punching me in the head, screaming at me that it was my fault he was cheating on me,’’ she said.
‘‘I lost count of how many times he punched me. One of our kids saw the assault and as soon as he saw [the child] he stopped.’’ VIOLENCE PEAK COMES TWO MONTHS EARLY Christine is one of the thousands who have a first-hand understanding of why there is a domestic violence spike during the holiday season. This year it began two months early.
Integrated Safety Response (ISR), a domestic violence programme that handles incidents reported to police, had its busiest month on record in October.
Calls to police ‘‘only slightly lessened’’ in November, director Leanne McSkimming said. ISR is a three-year pilot programme with about six months remaining. So far, nearly 36,000 people have been affected by family harm in Christchurch.
The spike comes as a new report shows we ‘‘simply do not act effectively’’ on early signs of domestic violence harm and risk in New Zealand.
Like previous years, domestic violence agencies are gearing up for a ‘‘frantic’’ holiday period as families struggle with the stress and expenses that come with it.
The Christchurch Aunties, which is made up of more than 1800 volunteers, helps provide essentials to women and families using domestic violence services. It needs donations so it can continue to do so.
Its founder, Heather Milne, said the network was forecasting a ‘‘frantic’’ couple of months. ISR predicted 1200 more cases in both December and January.
Christmas was ‘‘sometimes the last thing mums are able to think about when they’re at a refuge’’, and that did not stop in the new year, Milne said.
‘‘We know it can be a really stressful time, emotionally and financially, as children return to school, and the pressure mounts to meet those financial demands.’’
‘‘This is when we see a spike in women seeking the support of refuges.’’ ALCOHOL USED AS EXCUSE TO LASH OUT Shine spokeswoman Holly Carrington said the holiday spike in domestic violence could come down to ‘‘many things’’.
Added financial stress, increased alcohol consumption, difficult relationships with extended family, decisions about where to spend holidays and access to children in separated families were all factors, she said.
‘‘It is important to understand these stressors do not cause domestic abuse, but rather exacerbate abuse that already exists. For example, someone who uses various tactics to control a partner may use financial stress or alcohol as an excuse to lash out.’’
The national domestic abuse charity encouraged anyone to call its helpline for advice on what to do when confronted with a family harm situation.
‘‘If you see or know someone being abused, it is important that that you do something about it. If it is too dangerous to intervene, ring the police,’’ Carrington said.
Te Whare Hauora kaiwhakahaere Jynine Berryman said the Ma¯ ori women’s refuge often worked with clients who were ‘‘under the pressure of just living week to week’’.
‘‘Then they look at where their future is for Christmas and they realise if they can’t really live well week to week, how are they going to manage Christmas?’’
Things like end-of-year work functions, children’s school gatherings and sports events all piled up at once. All cost extra money, causing stress and putting a strain on relationships.
‘‘It’s all those little things that have changed for parents that get missed in everyday conversation for some people. When [clients arrive], they’re coming with the stress of not knowing whether they’re going to be able to put a meal on the table.’’
Te Whare Hauora tried to help people as early as possible, ‘‘before it escalates to a police callout’’.
Christine wanted people in a similar position to her to speak out, to seek help and to stop blaming themselves for the actions of others.
She knew she had done the right thing by calling police – that she had potentially saved her and her children’s lives – but it was something she had to remind herself of.
‘‘I couldn’t stop thinking about him rather than me. That’s what abuse does to you. I think that’s the shittiest thing because, even though I’ve left him, I still catch myself out.’’
It had taken ‘‘hundreds’’ of people to help Christine and her children through, but they were still suffering the effects of the abuse.
ISR had experienced an 18.2 per cent increase in cases this year. But more cases was not a sign of a worsening problem, McSkimming said.
Despite the increase, the seriousness of offending was on the decline. Sixty-eight per cent of families going through ISR had no further episodes of domestic violence.
McSkimming said it was difficult ‘‘to pinpoint one particular reason’’ for the holiday spike, but people appeared more confident they would receive help.
‘‘The level of seriousness of violence has reduced. What we attribute that to is people are calling early . . . people are actually enacting their safety plans and they’re calling before it escalates to violence.
‘‘I think people are seeking help earlier and that’s the great thing.’’
People should get help in a way that worked for them, McSkimming said. Along with refuges for victims, perpetrators could get help through places like He Waka Tapu’s 0800 HEY BRO helpline. *Name changed to protect the woman’s identity.