Kiss and tell
In with the romance crowd
While the Amazon rainforest burns, seated beside a fire at a Christchurch hotel decorated with a medieval theme, a woman with dark eyes and a dramatic accent talks of pleasure.
‘‘You’ve got to have it,’’ she says, crossing her legs.
Beside her another woman nods vigorously in agreement: ‘‘Pleasure or sexual tension everywhere you can is necessary.’’
From an unseen stereo, Chris Isaak is singing moodily about a wicked game.
Before the weekend is over I will have many unexpectedly forthright conversations with random strangers about lust, sexual chemistry and desire.
But then I wouldn’t have expected anything less from the Romance Writers’ of New Zealand annual conference.
After all, in this fantasy world beautiful breasts are always jiggling and manly thighs are always bulging.
Literary purists might sneer disdainfully at the sexy suggestive stories peddled by the likes of Harlequin Mills & Boon et al but sex sells and romance is a multibillion-dollar industry.
Fifty Shades might be utterly terrible writing but the combined novels have sold more than 125 million copies and Erika Leonard, who writes as E L James, is presumably swinging her fluffy handcuffs joyfully all the way to the bank.
There are many notable New Zealand romance-writing success stories, both in the indie and traditional print world, but typically these people fly under the radar. You might be surprised to discover your perfectly respectable neighbour is making a living quietly writing soft porn.
To loosely paraphrase Talking Heads, how did I get here?
Months ago, on a whim and at a friend’s suggestion, I entered a competition by New Zealand author Nalini Singh to win a $1500 scholarship to attend the conference, all expenses paid.
Singh is the New York Times bestselling author of the incredibly successful Psy-Changeling and Guild Hunter paranormal romance series.
I was one of two winners of Singh’s pay it forward generosity. She went above and beyond to ensure I got to attend the conference. As well as being an incredibly successful author, she is a genuinely lovely person.
She offered the scholarships because she credits her mum paying for her to attend the conference with launching her own successful career.
What I know about romance
writing could fit on the tip of a nipple tassel but it is my first childfree weekend in a long time and I am determined to enjoy every second regardless.
Any fears are quickly allayed by a thriller writer I meet on arrival.
She confesses she has never written about romance but prefers to ‘‘run with the romance crowd’’ because they are bold, fun and ‘‘incredibly savvy’’ women.
‘‘These women rock, the conference is more about the craft of writing anyway,’’ she says, tucking a strand of hair behind one ear. ‘‘They also know how to party.’’
One delightful Scottish woman, who looks like a sweet grandmother, is happy to spill the tea. She has written hundreds of gritty crime books as well as successful romance stories.
‘‘I’m killing someone off right now,’’ she says, a huge smile on her face. ‘‘I liked her but she had to go.’’
Then she looks up from her laptop to say she’s working on her latest book, which is about organ harvesting.
‘‘Er, what sort of organ?’’ I ask, tentatively. ‘‘I meant kidneys, lassie,’’ she says. ‘‘But you meant something else, which has given me a great idea for my next book.’’ I don’t ask.
Held over three days from August 23 to 25 at Chateau on the Park, the conference offers writing workshops, a cocktail party and a trade show. The 160 participants have travelled from the United States, Australia and throughout New Zealand to attend.
Workshops have titles like Laughing Them Into Bed, Love Is Hard and So Is Writing, 10 Top Tips to Improve Your Manuscript, Do I Need an Agent? and Going Deep with Data to up Your Marketing Game.
Coffee and tea flow freely and lunch is a sprawling banquet in a room decorated with medieval themes.
There are also opportunities for people to pitch their manuscripts to top literary agents.
Nervously one woman practises her pitch beside me. When she is called she appears full of confidence but returns slightly dejected just a few minutes later.
‘‘She said she wasn’t looking for my genre right now so it was over pretty fast,’’ she says. ‘‘Never mind.’’
Some of the most interesting moments I have are captured around the official events.
After lunch on Saturday, for example, I sit with a coffee in the sun beside a pool. A woman sitting beside me starts up a conversation. It turns out she has written many best-selling romance books.
Nearby I overhear a woman say: ‘‘Women are tired of inferior penis’’.
Did you know that romance novels set in the Scottish Highlands are particularly popular? Who knew this was such a popular ‘kilty’ pleasure?
There are stories about bear rugs and multiple orgasms in waterfalls and no-one seems to have any sort of personal boundary issues with discussing either of these topics with me.
I had no idea there was such a huge range of categories – from contemporary romance, historical romance and romantic suspense to erotic romance, religious/spiritual romance, paranormal sci-fi or fantasy romance and young adult.
When she asks which romance category I write I shrug and say ‘‘none’’.
Because I have an hour to kill, she gives me a writing task and says she will read it and be able to tell me what genre is best suited to my style.
‘‘Just write what comes naturally,’’ she advises.
Just quietly, there are many double entendres to be found at a romance conference and I laugh at each and every one.
But I try to take my assignment seriously and walk down a corridor in the hotel searching for a quiet space. Eventually I find a deserted area at the end with two over-sized plush armchairs. The corridor has floor to ceiling windows and is sandwiched between the gazebo and rose gardens.
There I spend 30 minutes quietly writing dirty content in my neatest handwriting.
A tanned man with shaggy dark hair carrying a backpack appears in the corridor. He is lost and trying to find his room he says as he eases into the chair beside me.
He is from Brazil and visiting New Zealand is something of a lifelong dream. He is a fan of hobbits.
Looking over my shoulder at my notepad he asks what I am doing. I explain about the romance conference and my spontaneous assignment.
He asks if he can read it so I pass it over but when he starts to blush through his tan I quickly grab it back.
‘‘It’s just a draft,’’ I say somewhat defensively as I make a swift exit back down the corridor. ‘‘Welcome to New Zealand.’’
I thought what I’d written was rather tame, but when the expert reads it she arches her eyebrows: ‘‘I’d say you had a lot of success awaiting you in the erotica world.’’
While the majority of romance writers prefer to be wistfully strolling in the Highlands clutching a parasol, apparently my mind naturally gravitates to rolling about wildly in the gutter.
Perhaps, like me, you may have preconceived notions about the type of person who writes romance novels?
Maybe you’re picturing tragic, lonely, older women in tracksuits surrounded by a lot of cats? If so you would be greatly mistaken.
Conference attendees are predominantly women, some are gender-neutral, two are men.
They are caregivers, company CEOs, doctors, accountants and lawyers.
The women I meet are without exception stunningly beautiful, incredibly intelligent, warm, supportive and ballsy operators who have turned writing romance stories into a lucrative side hustle or, in some cases a rewarding fulltime job.
Houston-based Sophie Jordan, who weaves fantasies of dragons, warriors and princesses, is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author with over 30 books and one film option in the works.
Her advice on how to write to capture attention was delivered with wry observations, humour and down-to-earth practical advice.
She also spoke knowledgeably about writing about consent in a post #metoo world.
On a staircase beside a medieval room called The Tower, Nalini Akolekar, vice president of United
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States literary agency Spencerhill Associates, told exotic stories about keeping her pet dog safe from the alligators in her backyard.
She cleverly nurtures the writing careers of a number of New Zealand women and her workshop was full of great advice on avoiding the pitfalls of the publishing industry.
Melbourne-based Michelle Somers, who describes herself as a ‘‘professional killer, matchmaker, storyteller and romantic’’ impressed with her savvy advice, as did USA Today best-selling author Melissa Storm.
But my favourite was a breakout workshop presented by two New Zealand women, Soraya M Lane and Natalie Anderson. Titled ‘So You Got Published? Now Stay Published’ it was incredibly insightful and genuinely inspirational. I learned a lot.
Lane spoke of a schedule which included dropping her children off at school in the morning and aiming to write 2000 words before picking them up again.
An Amazon charts best-selling author, she graduated with a law degree before realising it wasn’t for her. Determined to make writing a full-time job, she is juggling writing four books with raising her family. She offered genuine practical tips which I have already adopted.
Christchurch-based Anderson, mother of four, has sold more than three million books and her stories are translated into dozens of languages.
But what made the pair so memorable was the sharing of their struggles and practical advice on how to achieve daily writing goals while maintaining positive relationships in a tough industry. Anderson spoke eloquently about her personal struggles in finding space for herself and it was incredibly powerful.
Aside from the lost Brazilian, throughout the three-day conference I spot just two male conference attendees, including Bob Boze from San Diego.
‘‘Quality not quantity,’’ he says when asked about the lack of male romance writers.
One woman I meet in the buffet queue claims to be able to tell me about my past lives.
She looks me up and down and says I was a Swedish wench in a previous spin around this mortal coil. There was a time during the 1990s when that was my go-to outfit for any dress-up parties so maybe she’s on to something.
Later, as I reach for a bran muffin, a woman with dark hair and complicated jewellery tells me about Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality and how it fits into the niche world of romance writing.
Essentially the id is the personality component made up of unconscious psychic energy that works to satisfy basic urges, needs and desires. ‘‘The id operates based on the pleasure principle,’’ she explains. ‘‘Which demands immediate gratification of needs.’’
I’m reliably informed that while characters in romance novels can meet a grisly death, their pets can never be harmed. They can, however, be run over and saved by a hunky veterinarian who happens to be passing.
Another woman confides that she knows someone who is writing a thesis solely on dogs in romance novels.
I have not one, but four separate conversations with articulate strangers who appear to know everything there is to know about soulmates, kindred spirits and a concept I’d never even heard of before – twin flames.
Seriously? I’m going to meet a gorgeous man out of the blue on a Christchurch street and be instantly moved by some intense magnetic force, for the first time in my life, to hug a stranger within seconds of meeting?
That only happens in movies. ‘‘Those movies are made,’’ argues one woman. ‘‘Because it does happen in real life, not to everyone. You’d have to be pretty