ReBuilding recent history a tough task

2019-09-07 - Satire Andrew Gunn

Attention on deck! At ease everyone. Smoke if you wish. Well, this is it. We all knew that one day we would be asked to do something like this.

Every one of us here at the Government Special Bullshit Unit is a volunteer.

But if, after what I tell you, those of you with families wish to recuse yourselves I understand. Lights down please, projector on. Here is our mission…

Is that…?

Yes. Our mission is to rebrand KiwiBuild.

But that is impossible! Nothing is impossible.

We can rebrand anything or anything. Remember Winston Peters? Everyone thought he would be a complete – no, wait. Bad example.

Anyway, some background. Who knows who this man here is?

It is Phil Twyford isn’t it? Nobody speak that name! You don’t say ‘‘Macbeth’’ at the theatre, do you man?

You don’t say ‘‘Voldemort’’ at a Harry Potter convention?

Have some sense.

This person on the screen, the man formerly known as … him, has been relocated and given a new identity thanks to our friends in the Witness Protection Programme. You mean kicked out?

No! Definitely not kicked out. He is now in charge of something called Urban Development.

What does that mean?

Nobody knows. But you certainly won’t see him within a restrainingorder’s length of a KiwiBuild press conference.

Fronting those is now the job of this person. One of Cabinet’s top operatives and safest pair of hands.

They call her Megan ‘‘Rubber Gloves and Janola’’ Woods.

Why do they call her that?

You know in the gangster movies where they get rid of the body by chopping it up in the bathroom of a seedy motel and dumping it in weighted rubbish bags in a canal after washing down the motel room with bleach and then setting the whole place on fire just to be sure? Yes?

Just substitute ‘‘100,000 homes target’’ for ‘‘body’’ and you get the picture.

Now here is where we come in. KiwiBuild is changing.

Which bits of it are changing? You know how it is about building? For Kiwis?

Yes?

Everything except that.

And we have to rebrand it. Oh, and they still want to call it KiwiBuild but better.

I know, I know.

So, thinking caps on, I need suggestions.

Remember, no idea is a bad idea. Mitre 10 Dream KiwiBuild? Bad idea.

KiwiBuild 2.0?

Too Microsoft Windows-y. KiwiBuild Year Zero?

Too Pol Pot-y.