The Classifieds
Lost and Found
Found: On corner of Haddit St and Irrelevance Rd, noisy wizened thing. May be a boomer. Free to good home. Lost: Way. If found please return to Western democracy. Found: Round the back of US Senate, shreds of something. May be integrity, decency, spine or similar.
Personals
Flatmate sought. Mainstream church empty-nester seeks not-too-wacky Christian sect to share new cathedral. Send photo of congregation.
Continent-sized Pacific island – heavy drinker, opinionated, strange s.o.h, good at cricket – seeks rain with view to survival.
Traditional Media with old-fashioned values – investigative journalism, neutrality, cynicism, distrust of power – seeks Sustainable Model, with view to resuscitation and long-term relationship. Send photo of plump bottom line.
Collectibles
Complete set of Papal prayers for world peace. All languages. All years. Bound in tooled vellum, quarto, by Vatican bookbinders. Would make good comedy prop/ flower press.
For sale: substance. May be woke. Available in 10kg blocks or fill your own trailer. Get in quick before it becomes superseded by similarly ill-defined neologism.
Trades and services
Pest eradication. Troubled by journalists? Let us take care of them for you. Your impunity guaranteed. Standard service includes asphyxia and dismemberment. Deluxe provides an acid bath and fall guys to be executed for your crime. Apply any embassy of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. References expected and supplied.
Puppetry Classes. ‘All you need is Kompromat.’ Trained puppeteer shows how you too can manipulate the leader of the free world. Pick up the phone and ask for Vlad. We’ll be listening.
Advanced Puppetry Classes. Dictator of small and poor country shows how you too can manipulate the leader of the free world. No kompromat required. Just flattery, bluff and a small nuclear arsenal. Call the one phone in Pyongyang and ask for the one fat guy.
In Memoriam
In Memoriam: Rugby World Cup. Much missed by small country. It is the resurrection and the life.
In Memoriam: Jeffrey Epstein. With gratitude for a life well taken. This notice has been paid for by friends in high places.
Public announcements
Buckingham Palace refutes any suggestion that it is, or has ever been, a high place.
Wanted
Wanted: spare planet. Not too hot, not too cold, oxygenated atmosphere, carbon-based life forms. Dominant species unarmed.
Wanted: conviction, charisma, pep, verve, presence. Send in substantial quantities with instructions on how to deploy, to J Corbyn, Revolutionary Firebrand, House of . . . though actually, and sorry about this, on second thoughts it’s a bit late now, so perhaps I’ll just go to bed early, alone, with a glass of warm water.
Wanted: officials for 2020 presidential re-election campaign. Willingness to go to jail a bonus.
Wanted: by small, guilt-troubled South Pacific country, dairy-free dairy industry.
Wanted: adoration, adulation, sycophancy. All in unlimited quantities. Will not pay. Send to The Tweeting Room of Psychopathic Need, The Ablutions Block, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Or I’ll scream. I really will. I’ll put my fingers in my ears and I’ll …oooh what a big needle.
Wanted: by every country, someone to go first on climate change: you know, no aeroplanes, no petrol, no plastics, no tourism and . . . no takers.
Wanted: an achievement, no matter how small, to mark 40 years of parliamentary bluster. Send to Slush Fund, NZ First, Loomingoblivion Avenue, Tauranga, or is it Northland? I no longer remember.
Wanted: to live as a wet dog shakes.