The Press

Wait? ScoMo’s the good guy?

- Satire Andrew Gunn

This week Facebook, helmed by Mark Zuckerberg, the apparent evil twin of Marvel’s Peter Parker – a passing-for-teenage man bitten by a radioactiv­e spider but who instead of using his powers for good spins a worldwide web of dopaminein­ducing likes, cat memes and fake news – locked tentacles with the Australian government.

It was a battle described by commentato­rs as ‘‘Wait, what – is coal-loving 2020 bushfire scarperer ScoMo the goodie in this? Give me a moment to process – I was just getting my head around Aung San Suu Kyi being a Nobel Peace Prizewinni­ng hero, then a genocideen­abling villain, then a coupdepose­d resistance hero again. Now this?’’

In the course of the dispute Facebook imposed an Australian news blackout during which reputable media outlets (and also some belonging to Rupert Murdoch) were banned from the online platform.

Recognisin­g that you, our widely-ranging readers, may well get your news from a variety of sources including Facebook, Stuff now presents this week’s Australian News You May Have Missed.

Saturday: Canberra: Following his success at getting a suspected terrorist booted back to New Zealand even though she was last in the country at the My Little Pony-playing age of 6, Prime Minister Morrison launches his Send Them Home programme designed to shift anyone displaying unAustrali­an tendencies across the ditch.

‘‘It’s only fair that New Zealand looks after its own,’’ declared Mr Morrison.

‘‘And by ‘its own’ I mean anyone we don’t like who has the scantest of links to the Shaky Isles.

‘‘Obviously being born in New Zealand, no matter how long ago you left, is the gold standard for qualifying as an Objectiona­ble Kiwi under Send Them Home. But I’ve had my team of legal galahs looking there and we may be able use the most tenuous of connection­s to the team of five of million to leverage trouble-makers and weirdos up to deportable status. Stand by, cobbers.’’

Sunday: Perth: Hot in morning, Stinking Hot in the afternoon.

Monday: Canberra: Prime Minister Morrison announces that former Greens senator and Midnight Oil lead singer Peter Garrett will be deported to New Zealand under the Objectiona­ble Kiwi programme.

‘‘Garrett is not a terrorist per se, but he has said some pretty disrespect­ful things about the Blue Sky Mining Company. And real Australian­s know that’s not on. That’s enough to make him objectiona­ble right there. On top of that we found out he once had a penpal in Gisborne. There’s your Kiwi connection, so that’s it.

‘‘He’ll be doing an intimate twoweek gig at The Pullman in Auckland quicker than you can say how can we sleep when our beds are burning?’’

Tuesday: Brisbane: Jellyfish, Sharks.

Wednesday: Canberra: The Send Them Home programme is suddenly canned after the High Court of Australia issues a decision based on the pari passu principle, by which members of the same class are to be treated equally.

Accordingl­y, any entity with connection­s to New Zealand including the current line-up of Crowded House, Russell Crowe and the stuffed hide of Phar Lap would be also open to immediate deportatio­n.

Declaring the above to be three of his favourite Australian things, Prime Minister Morrison denied he had backed down, claiming he had made his point and adding ‘‘Can we do a deal on Israel Folau?’’ Thursday: Adelaide: Blowflies.

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 ??  ?? Peter Garrett ‘‘once had a penpal in Gisborne. There’s your Kiwi connection, so that’s it.’’
Peter Garrett ‘‘once had a penpal in Gisborne. There’s your Kiwi connection, so that’s it.’’

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