Let’s kill off this tiresome model

Ialways know two things are going to happen when a rich-as-Croesus, high-profile, celebrity couple’s divorce hits the news. Obviously we’re first going to take a moment to mourn whatever fiercely held, wildly illogical views we had on their relationship. (I still remember the supermarket I was in when I learned of Johnny Depp’s 2012 divorce from Vanessa Paradis – and storming out of the magazine aisle followed by my totally bewildered Dad.)

Secondly, especially if I’m in the office when the thunderbolt is delivered, a crowd will gather around the portentous push-alert on a cellphone during morning tea. Then the office Debbie (early

50s, talks loudly about money, aggressively shaped handbags) will always sigh theatrically, ‘‘well, I suppose now he’ll run off with a teenager!’’ The crowd will cackle, there will be a roll call of famous

50-year-old men who’ve remarried millennial milkmaids just out of pigtails, and Debbie will inevitably turn to me and sniff, ‘‘no offence, but why do middle-aged men date girls your age?’’

It played out like clockwork when Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce news broke last week. (Although for once, I was able to coolly reply that actually Bill’s suspiciously visible ex, Anna Winblad, is actually older than he is, sooooo . . .) But yes, I know, I know. He’s bucking the trend.

There is an undeniable, although by no means ubiquitous, middle-aged man’s divorce pattern. And you see it everywhere from Bruce Willis to Johnny Depp to Debbie’s ex-husband. Middle-aged dudes split from their partners and start dating someone whose first pet was a Tamagotchi. Often because in my workplaces I’m the only person young enough to explain what one of those is, I also get asked to explain/blamed for the dating trend. (A Tamagotchi is a digital animal that girls born in the 90s reared on pocket computers like portable pet lambs.)

But whatever I say, the discussion inevitably descends into my least favourite of social theories about women and dating – replacement theory. You know, the age-old adage that has men running from midlife crises into the arms of vapid-butcalculating young gold-diggers, who steal eligible bachelors away from older women, leaving them out in the dating wastelands to rust like abandoned washing machines.

There are so many things wrong with this it’s hard to know where to start. But let’s start with the obvious. Yes, it happens. And I’ve dated older guys going through post-divorce ricochets. Sometimes they just want someone younger who’ll put up with their crap. Sometimes they don’t want to be eclipsed by a partner so want younger, less established girlfriends. Some are trying to recapture a longgone youth. Debbie, do you really want to date that? No. You’re well past the age when you’re dumb enough to put up with that mess.

(Sometimes, they’re also clearly, genuinely, in love. And we can’t change that. If we had any power over who we fell in love with, then none of us would have anything to talk about.)

Secondly, can we stop acting as though women stop being dateable at 50 and should begin the embalming process? Statistically, older women have the best sex of their lives in the 50+ bracket.

But above all, for the love of God, we need to stop playing young women and old women off against each other. Women go through so much dating crap we could do without turning on ourselves. We are not greedy guests at your party trying to steal all your good wine and leave you with boxed goon and disappointment. We want what you want. Real, strengthening, warming, undeniable love.