Dispelling ghost of a PM past
ABEDROOM, NIGHT. JUDITH COLLINS sleeps fitfully, a copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and her beloved dog-whistle on the table beside her. Suddenly a GHOSTLY APPARITION appears at the foot of her bed. It is the ghost of JOHN KEY.
JK: Judith! Judith!
JC: Who are you?
JK: I am the ghost of John Key! JC: The ghost of John Key? I didn’t know you were dead.
JK: I’m not dead, it’s a metaphor. Judith, I have a dire warning for you. A dire warning! About the referendum.
JC: What referendum?
JK: You know very well, Judith. The referendum you’re promoting about calling New Zealand ‘Aotearoa’.
JC: Oh, that referendum. You know John, I’m very happy to call the country Aotearoa. It’s just that we’re hearing from provincial New Zealanders and well, I’m just asking questions, that’s all. Just asking questions. That’s what the referendum is about. No harm in that.
JK: Look at me Judith, look at me! I won three elections in a row. But do they call me ‘‘John Key who won three elections in a row’’? JC: I presume the answer is no? JK: Not only that. I never rated lower than 36 per cent in the preferred prime minister polls. But do they call me ‘‘John Key who never rated lower than 36 per cent in the preferred prime minister polls’’?
JC: Let me guess –
JK: There’s more! My easygoing personality won over swinging centrists, and even people on the other side of the political fence could imagine sharing a beer with me over a barbie. But do they call me ‘‘John Key whose easygoing personality won over centrists and who even people on the other side of the political fence could imagine sharing a beer with over a barbie’’? JC: Do, they John?
JK: No, they don’t! You put up one stupid referendum, and you know what they call you? ‘‘John Key and his stupid referendum’’. Forever! Don’t do it, Judith! Take it from me, don’t let this be your legacy! You’ve got so much more going for you.
JC: Now you’ve got me interested, John. Tell me more.
JK: Er well, I’ve been busy with my stellar post-parliamentary career, so let me get up to speed on your many achievements by checking my ghostly apparition iPad here… Oh. Oh, I see. Oh, jeez…
JC: Problems, John?
JK: Look, don’t worry about those details. I understand Judith, I really do, why you want a referendum. It’s why I wanted a new flag. To bring Kiwis together with a sense of unity. To make them feel good. Obviously without addressing the fundamental inequities inherent in the system, but still. That’s what you want too with your referendum, don’t you? To make everyone feel good? Judith? Judith what’s that you’re pointing at me?
JC: It’s a Taser, John. From my days as police minister. Now why don’t we have our own little referendum. Let’s count. How many people think the lessons of your time as leader of the National Party should quickly be forgotten? One –
A LIGHTNING BOLT OF ELECTRICITY flashes from the Taser. The ghostly apparition disappears in a puff of acrid smoke. JK: Nooooo!
JC: See, John? No harm in just asking a question.