How do you tell the kids?
When Stuff journalist Jo Mckenzie-Mclean was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, the first challenge was telling her two children. She describes the moment in the frank podcast Jo vs Cancer. Here clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo offers advice to other parents in a similar situation.
‘I’ve got cancer’’: It’s the conversation no-one wants to have with their kids. There’s no script you can follow; there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Like so many things in parenting, you’re making it up as you go along.
When my clients need to share difficult news with their kids – serious illness and parental separation are probably top of the list – we put some effort into planning it. The story you tell or the way you play it becomes part of your family folklore.
If you or your partner have a serious illness, it’s an emotionally charged, worrying time for your family.
The diagnosis often comes as a shock and, as you are getting your head around it, you won’t always say and do the right things.
When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I made mistakes in handling it, but I resolved to tell my then teenaged kids the truth.
That’s because they deserved the truth, but also because a lie can come back to bite you, especially when the illness heads down an unknown path.
If your children are at different ages and stages, or you anticipate different reactions from them, it may be helpful to have individual conversations first before coming together as a family. Remember, you know your children best, so trust yourself to decide.
Beyond that, here are some tips to guide you.
Plan the first conversation
It’s tempting to go with what’s in your heart, but that’s not necessarily best for your kids.
Think ahead about what you want to say and, more importantly, how you want your kids to feel once the conversation has sunk in.
Reassuring them that you love them and that they’ll be looked after in the weeks and months ahead is paramount.
Use the word cancer
It’s OK to cry and stumble over your words.
Your kids won’t judge you – they’ll be thinking about what cancer and the change in their family circumstances will mean for them.
But don’t shy away from the word cancer. Don’t call it ‘‘the big C’’ or ‘‘the C monster’’ or any other euphemism. Don’t make it sound horrifying, either. Just call it cancer.
Stay as current as possible
Tell your kids what you know and what’s going to happen next. For example: ‘‘Here’s our immediate treatment plan.’’
And: ‘‘These are the steps we’ll be taking.’’
Avoid trying to forecast the future. With cancer, there are no guarantees.
While it’s good to be optimistic, it’s unfair to be ridiculously so. Always come back to what we’re doing now and next.
Be truthful, but don’t flood them with information
Be honest, but beware of divulging everything you know about cancer.
Teens and older kids may do their own research anyway. Be as factual as possible, but stick to what they need to know now.
Give them practical tasks
Kids like to help in practical ways, depending on their age/ developmental stages.
For example, try:
■ ‘‘Can you make me a picture to help me feel better?’’’
■ ‘‘I’d love your help choosing a scarf/hat.’’
■ ‘‘Can you do dinner tonight or drive me to my appointment?’’
Allow space for everyone’s feelings
It’s healthy to express your feelings and be vulnerable, but try not to use kids as your rock – that’s expecting too much of them, even older kids.
Some kids will be emotional, some will shut down – everything’s normal.
Remind them they can ask you anything, at any time.
But refrain from handing out constant updates. This is particularly tough on anxious kids.
Use the word love
No well-intentioned parent needs to be told this. But it doesn’t hurt any of us, any time, to be liberal with the word love. No matter how tough your circumstances, or where life lands, if you’ve loved your kids well, you’ve done your job.