Dazzling Dakota makes trainwreck oddly riveting
Madame Web (M, 116 mins) Directed by SJ Clarkson Reviewed by James Croot **½
‘It’s kind of like if A.I. created your boyfriend’s perfect movie.’’ Madame Web star Dakota Johnson’s Saturday Night Live (SNL) pitch for this fourth movie in Sony’s muchmaligned Spider-Man Universe might have sounded somewhat cynical and jaded, but, having watched the film, it’s almost as if she’s still playing the character of Cassie Webb.
And she’s only half-right, Madame Web feels as if ChatGPT churned out a screenplay based on Marvel movies past, so portentous, pretentious and downright clunky are the plotting and dialogue.
If the nefarious Ezekiel Sims’ (Tahar Rahim) constant 1960s Batman-villain level revelations of his intentions don’t get you, then the Yoda-esque witterings of the spokesman for the Peruvian junglebased ‘‘spiderpeople’’ will (“It’s a chance to learn about your past – and embrace your future”).
By the time he riffs on that famous line from Sam Raimi’s 2002 Spider-Man by saying, “when you take on responsibility, great power will come”, you’ll be convinced that only a computer – and not five writers – could have come up with this madness.
But despite feeling like this 2003-set movie escaped from the VHS bargain bin circa 1996 (the era that gave us such blokey “superhero” movies as Spawn, Stallone’s Judge Dredd, Barb Wire and The Phantom), a bad guy whose costume looks like one of Kick-Ass’ rejects, plus Sydney Sweeney doing her best impression of Velma-from-Scooby-Doo, underneath all the tired tropes and the less-than-elegant execution is arguably a sweetly subversive treat for those who think all this superhero malarky has got far too serious (perhaps that’s why it’s attracted such vitriol from some online keyboard warriors).
Thirty years after her scientist mother died while giving birth to her in the Peruvian Amazon, New York paramedic Cassie has become adept at saving lives – she just doesn’t know how to have one outside her workplace.
Despite co-worker Ben Parker’s (Severence’s Adam Scott) best attempts to include her in his family life (he’s about to become an uncle), small talk with anyone but him is strained to say the least.
However, Cassie’s life is turned upside down when a car accident callout results in her becoming trapped in a vehicle that plunges into a river. Rescued and revived by Ben after a cardiac arrest, her recovery is surprisingly rapid – the only seemingly lasting effect a rather severe case of deja vu.
Increasingly plagued by what are often dark visions of events just minutes ahead – and lamenting her lack of intervention when she could have prevented the death of one of her colleagues – Cassie steps in to usher three young women off a subway train when she foresees their brutal demise.
Sweeney’s Julia Cornwall, Celeste O’Connor’s Mattie Franklin and Isabela Merced’s Anya Corazon seemingly have little in common, but they appear targeted for death by a masked dude who can apparently walk across ceilings.
Cue inter-generational tensions, as the millennial trio believe the Gen X-er is trying to kidnap them. “Don’t do dumb things,” Cassie chides, having already lambasted them for being “entitled” and not listening to her.
It’s these kind of pithy observations and grouchy remarks that make Madame Web watchable. Sure the fight scenes are terrible and the story a hot mess, but having already survived the Fifty Shade of Grey trilogy, Johnson has clearly decided to just do her own thing, even if it undercuts any attempt at imbuing this with pathos or drama.
I’m not sure veteran television director SJ Clarkson (best known for her work on UK hospital soaps and Dexter’s magnificent fourth, John Lithgow-starring season) feels fully in control of her debut feature, but she deserves kudos for keeping in as much of Johnson’s compellingly quirky performance and compiling a pitch-perfect collection of bangers, featuring everyone from Britney Spears to 4 Non Blondes, Meredith Brookes and Tiffany, that surely make it clear Johnson’s SNL comments were most definitely and defiantly tongue-in-cheek.
Madame Web is screening in cinemas nationwide.