The boomerang generation returns

Just over three years ago, I wrote about how delighted I was that our only son, Oliver, then aged 18, was leaving home to embark on an experience of living independently. My delight – which I must confess was as much for my benefit as it was for his – didn’t come without some concerns. I knew moving away was good for him, but I also knew that it wasn’t going to be as rosy as he’d imagined.

I, myself, had left home at the age of 18 because of the Iranian revolution and so knew living independently, at such a young age, often meant uncertainty, money worries and bad diet.

Of course, Oliver didn’t have to change countries like I had to, or grapple with a different culture, or learn an entirely new language – but then again, I didn’t have the additional anxieties and pressures from social media.

Three years on, Oliver is back at home, in many ways a lot more mature, and in a relationship with a delightful girl.

When Oliver moved out after high school, I decided to take a long break from the job of being the main cook in the house. My husband, Alastair, gladly took over the job and so, for three years, we had slight variations of the same pasta dish that he knew how to cook – the one that started with slightly burnt onions and finished with often undercooked capsicums. But pasta à la Alastair was healthy and he seemed to always enjoy it.

I rarely ate these regular pasta dinners because I was always overfed when I called at my mum’s in the afternoons and so didn’t have room for Alastair’s cooking (that was my excuse anyway).

Ever since Oliver’s moved back, I am back on dinner duties and finding it immensely satisfying, mainly because both Oliver and Alastair are vocally and overtly appreciative of whatever I happen to cook, and also there is no lingering smell of burnt onions in the house.

I remember when Oliver moved out, I looked forward to more freedom, less noise, better odours and a new upholstery for our once-was-cream sofa.

The past three years delivered on all of those promises. My husband and I travelled a bit; the house was mostly quiet and fresh, and the sofa did get reupholstered – and to top it all, Oliver would come for regular visits.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that we haven’t had our own share of parental worries that come with having teenagers and young adults.

I am doing my hardest to tame the overprotective Iranian mother in me and accept that we cannot always control everything and, when it comes to adult children, generally we have no choice but to hope for the best and believe in our ability, and theirs, to cope with challenging events.

One thing is for sure, the boomerang Oliver is not the same Oliver that left us three years ago.

For one thing, he smells better (having a girlfriend helps). His cooking skills have improved too, and he is generally more considerate and more mature.

I am not sure how long he will stay with us but I have a feeling that when he does decide to leave, I am going to be be less “delighted” this time than I was first time.

Past research studies have shown that single adults living at home have a lower self-esteem, but that is mainly attributed to a perception that associates living at home with lack of success.

This perception is gradually changing as boomerang children are becoming more mainstream. Many of Oliver’s friends have either never left, or have moved back into the family home.

In the UK, two-thirds of childless single adults aged 20-34 are also boomeranging or never left. There are a number of reasons for this high percentage: increasing rents, low wages, uncertain job market, debts, and relationship breakups.

Children boomeranging back home can have significant impact on their parents’ retirement plans. There is even a new acronym for this in the UK: Kippers (Kids In Parents’ Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings).

There is lots of online advice for parents of boomeranging children. Apparently, we are supposed to negotiate with them about paying rent and agree this and that rule.

Many non-Western cultures, including my own, embrace intergenerational co-living. In these cultures, charging your kids to live in their own home is generally frowned upon, but if money’s tight and the house is overcrowded, then it’s right that everyone should pull their weight and respect the rules.

When it comes to boomeranging children, there are many who advocate tough love. I have never quite understood how tough is tough, but I do know that the best thing we can do as parents is to ensure our children feel loved. Everything else will take care of itself.

I remember when Oliver moved out, I looked forward to more freedom, less noise, better odours and a new upholstery for our once-was-cream sofa.