MPs’ time to revel in the limelight
There has been an outcry in some quarters over $800,000 of taxpayers’ money spent on a documentary about Jacinda Ardern. This is despite her having nothing to do with the film. Politicians have pointed out that they stay away from funding decisions made by the organisations over which they preside. This is borne out by the films and TV shows currently on the slate for development by funding agencies, leaked to me by highly reliable sources.
David Seymour Copperfield – historical drama. A young man with an impoverished childhood is treated terribly, working many hours a week in a factory for just six shillings. It is only when others show him kindness that David becomes happy with the love of his life – ACTness. Once successful, he pays back the nasty factory owner by deregulating the labour market and gives spendthrift landlord Mr Micawber a tax break.
Re-cession – TV series. As a nation moves into recession, a cantakerous patriarch shows signs of ageing. His children, Mātua Shane, Casey, Jenny and Andy know that his reign is finite, but what to do? They owe their livelihoods to him and his comeback, but how long will everyone put up with his intemperate outbursts?
Airplane 3 – goofball comedy. Chris, an airline executive with little flying experience, is travelling to a business meeting when a mystery virus attacks the pilots, Chippy and Cindy. Suddenly Chris and his dysfunctional team of co-pilots, David and Winston, have to take over, and negotiate considerable turbulence to land the plane safely. Hilarious.
Gone with the Breath – historical drama. A retelling of an old classic about a respectable gentleman, Reti Butler, who owns a tobacco plantation. When a southern beauty, Nicola O’Willis, enters his life they form a magnificent partnership – him selling heaps of tobacco and her greatly increasing tax revenue.
12 Angry Greens – courtroom drama. A jury of Green MPs must decide the fate of one of their own who might have broken the law. Trouble is, as the trial progresses more and more of the jury fall by the wayside with scandals, resignations and other problems. Reinforcements are brought in, but no-one has heard of them.
Local Body Hero – arthouse. A young housing minister is sent to save a seaside town with numerous character areas by his Nimby colleagues. But when he gets there the Left/Green Yimby council decides intensification is a good thing, and he finds himself in agreement. Will he listen to his heart and alienate his Nimby bosses? Music and the city’s financial situation by Dire Straits.
Melissa Leebag – comedy. After a media catastrophe, a promising broadcasting minister avoids broadcasters. When she finally agrees to speak, her boss’ minders won’t let her, even though she used to run a media company. Eventually, thanks to sympathetic media outlets asking patsy questions, she learns to love herself again.
Under the Debt Mountain - kidult. Teenage twins, Nicola and Chris, hear about a massive debt mountain they will inherit and travel around Aotearoa to find it. Trouble is, government spending was $621 miiion lower than anticipated. They find that compared to other OECD countries, our debt is relatively low. They decide to focus on benefit fraud instead.
Landlord of the Rings – fantasy. A lone landlord journeys to the picturesque kingdom of Middle Class on a quest to restore tax deductions on residential property cruelly stolen by an evil hobbit. Along the way he gives substantial amounts of gold to everyone who will promise to help him. He then tells his hobbits their rents will soon decrease – fantasy at its very best.
Dollar-ver Twist – historical drama. While eating his paltry state-provided lunch, Dollar-ver dares to ask for more. He has his cellphone confiscated, is sent to a bootcamp for young offenders from which he escapes and joins a gang of bankers who pick the pockets of homeowners. He works hard, learning the importance of the dollar, and sets up a charter school called the Workhouse Academy.
Goldcardfinger – spy thriller. A debonair, well-dressed special agent in his late seventies fights both imagined and real enemies with only a Gold Card. By catching free buses and ferries between certain hours, he can traverse the country to catch bad guys, all the time using ingenious new inventions paid for by a provincial growth fund. These inventions include the “Holocaust-reference speech gadget”, the “tired old Asian Dad joke contraption”, and the “attack the media as biased” gizmo.
Home a loan – comedy. Chris Macaulay Luxon stars as an innocent kid whose parents leave him alone to go on vacation. A group of lowlifes try to rob Chris’ house, but he has the last laugh as he owns the house and gets a state-subsidised rental as well. He offers the bottom-feeders a room, assuring them that the prohibitive rent will go down over time.
Broke Mountain – documentary. A history of Ruapehu Alpine Lifts.