WHY GOOD PEOPLE STAY TO LONG IN BAD RELATIONSHIPS

What’s keeping you in the relationship?” I asked.

My client was in her early 30s and had been with her partner for a year. She wanted a future with him.

She described him as smart, energetic, a social extrovert. When together, they had great times. But when apart, her anxiety and insecurity dialled up. At its worst, she considered breaking up.

“When we’re not together he doesn’t put in any effort. I don’t hear much from him. When I call him out on it, he gets defensive and tells me I’m needy and expect too much,” she said.

“So why are you’re staying with him?” I repeated. She shrugged. “I guess I’d miss him.”

She was playing “the trick” on herself.

WHEN SELECTIVE MEMORY KICKS IN

I first heard about “the trick” in Dr Henry Cloud’s classic book Necessary Endings, about when and how to call time on anything.

The trick is a psychological defence mechanism that shows up when people can’t let go of someone or something they are heavily invested in.

When it comes to love, the trick describes a very human blind spot – the tendency to lock in on the best features of someone, while diminishing the worst.

Even when people know someone isn’t good for them – and the relationship probably isn’t sustainable – they will “trick” themselves into staying.

Cloud describes it as ‘I will only think of the good parts’ of a person so I won’t have to break up with them. Every time you consider ending the relationship, you tell yourself you’ll miss those good things, and quietly dismiss all the problems.

Trouble is, this use of selective memory means you are setting yourself up to miss half a person – a person who doesn’t really exist.

It’s a particular trap for nice people because they will keep giving a partner the benefit of the doubt, even when they know they’re not good for them.

The closer they get to ending the relationship, the more they focus on their partner’s “amazing” qualities rather than seeing the reality of the whole person, flaws and all.

So they stay together. Uneasily.

SEEING THE WHOLE PERSON

I like and encourage people to see the best in their partners – and everyone knows tolerance is a key ingredient in successful relationships.

However selective memory can cause people to stay in unhealthy situations for too long and, in doing so, play havoc with their mental health and wellbeing.

So it’s important to ditch the rose-tinted lens and stare down the truth of our relationships.

If, like my client, you’re unsure of your future with someone and facing a decision, check in with yourself.

Do you find yourself locking in on all that is great about them and telling yourself you’ll miss those qualities?

And, in doing so:

Do you minimise the characteristics that worry you?

If you’re struggling with this, it can be helpful to write down a brief description of your partner.

When my client did it, it showed up something like this:

“My boyfriend is a great guy but he is unreliable, lacks commitment and does things on his own terms. It’s like he doesn’t think about me when we’re not together. He gets angry or turns the blame on me when I raise my concerns.”

She winced looking at that paragraph.

“I feel mean doing that. He’s so amazing in many ways.”

The “trick” was kicking in again

– but now she could see it.

The exercise is not designed to trigger a breakup. It’s about reminding yourself that you are – or will be – living with a real person.

And remember people’s true characteristics don’t tend to diminish. You learn to accept, tolerate – even love – them with time. Or you become anxious, resentful and eventually hurt.

Perhaps I’ve spent too much time in the therapy room, but I think navigating and building successful relationships remains our greatest challenge.

There are many things you can’t control in love –but this is one thing you can take charge of. Love whole heartedly, but don’t trick yourself. Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist