Delivering eclipse a ‘boon for brand NZ’
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon announced today that he has set public service chiefs the target of delivering a total solar eclipse across all of New Zealand within five years. Pointing to this week’s successful eclipse across much of the United States, Luxon said a similar astronomical event would be a “boon for Brand New Zealand”.
“Just look at the amazing publicity and tourism gains our American friends were able to capitalise on,” Luxon said. “If they can do it, so can we.”
Pressed by reporters as to how exactly a total solar eclipse would be achieved by 2029, Luxon said that was a matter for public service CEOs to work out and that it was not the job of government ministers to interfere.
“What I can say is that if public service heads come back to me and tell me that this eclipse can’t be done because of red tape, then my Government will be laser-focused on passing the necessary legislation to get that red tape removed. I’m not interested in negativity, I’m ambitious for New Zealand,” Luxon said.
The prime minister also declared that the solar eclipse would play a significant role in reducing New Zealand’s contribution to global warming.
“Look, it’s obvious that if we block sunlight from reaching here then that’s going to cool things right down. And that’s going to give us the chance to review our methane targets and give our hard-working farmers a break. I don’t need any ‘experts’ from the Climate Change Commission to back me up on this, either. It’s just common sense.”
Coalition partner and deputy prime minister-in-waiting David Seymour welcomed Luxon’s announcement, adding that a total solar eclipse in itself was a step in the right direction but did not go far enough.
“For too long people have gazed at the dark sky and and gained a sense of wonder, awe and inspiration. And all at no cost. It’s time that free-loading stopped and a user-pays model is introduced,” Seymour said.
“ACT proposes that come the eclipse, the sky over New Zealand will be apportioned into discrete parcels for which Kiwis can pay a fee in return for a licence to view. Obviously that area of the sky in which the eclipse actually takes place will be in highest demand, and surge pricing will apply. This will help pay for tax cuts, which by the way ACT is the only party responsible enough to think about.”
Seymour also warned children thinking of skipping school between now and 2029 to “think again, pull their socks up and take some personal accountability”.
“Kids: if your truancy record is unacceptable then come the eclipse; you’ll be sitting in a classroom with the lights on. You have been warned.”
As at press time, Luxon had updated his memo to public service chiefs, telling them to ensure that the eclipse occurred on a weekend or public holiday to ensure nobody took any unnecessary time off work.