TO FIND LASTING LOVE, USE THE 37% RULE

Will the 37% rule help me find a partner?” my client asked.

He was newly single and ready to get back in the dating game. But after 10 years in his previous relationship, he was apprehensive. It seemed to him like there weren’t too many winners in online dating.

He had a few mates caught in neverending dating loops – a few of those dates turned into relationships but none ever seemed to stick. He called it “there might be someone better” syndrome.

A married friend had told him about the 37% rule and, being a stats man, he liked the idea of applying math to the complexity of love. “Anything that makes it easier!” he said, and I could see his point.

But foolish? Let’s take a look.

The 37% rule appears to have sprung from mathematics’ “optimal stopping theory”. It was originally used to help executives choose a secretary.

The theory determines the point at which you should act in order to maximise reward and minimise cost – when you should quit considering more options and make a choice.

The idea is that, if you need to choose from 100 different options, you should sample and discard (or hold off on) the first 37. If it’s a time-based decision, you should spend 37% of your time considering your choices. Then you should pull the trigger.

When applied to looking for love it goes like this. Let’s say you decide you’re going to date 10 different people over the next few months.

The 37% rule says you should have fun on the first three, but not go out with them a second time. Tell yourself: I can do better. According to the 37% rule, the next best date you have is the keeper. Settling with them is a good bet, statistically speaking.

So far so good. Lots of people struggle with decision making – and dating apps are built to make us believe in possibility: That you don’t have to settle for average, there are plenty, if not endless, options. And that there just might be someone better for you out there.

So being able to apply maths to the decision sounds like a relief.

But psychology tells us over and over again people don’t fit into boxes. People looking for love even less so.

There are so many variables to consider.

❚ Your attachment style.

❚ Your relationship history (any resulting trauma and trust issues).

❚ Your personality, emotional legacy.

❚ Your penchant for risk-taking. Your need for variety v consistency.

That you thought one of those first three dates was AMAZING.

That you thought all of those first three dates were beyond AWFUL (and the next one might be the same).

Then there’s the One You’re With. You can’t begin to know anyone after a handful of dates – no matter how promising the relationship seems.

While person number four on your list may seem like a potential keeper, you’re not going to know for quite some time.

Plenty of people vouch for love at first sight. But when you’re a psychologist who has seen more than your share of broken hearts in therapy, you tend to urge caution.

You don’t want people to just “trust their gut”. You want them to rip the blinkers off.

You want them to look closely at a potential partner’s behaviour before they even consider settling down with them. You want them to watch how they manage their emotions and themselves, how they treat other people, who they are when the world’s not watching. You want them to be aware of their partner’s flaws and vulnerabilities – and to know if they can handle living with those.

You certainly don’t want them to base their romantic choices on the laws of probability.

Many people fall in love at the get-go and it turns out just fine. But plenty of people are together for years and it still turns into a horror show.

For all that, love doesn’t happen unless you’re open to it. Like it or not, there’s risk involved.

So use the math if it helps.

But, also, do your research.

Take your time.

Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist