TVNZ’s primetime property show overload
TVNZ, I think you’ve finally gone too far. With MasterChef Australia having recently relinquished its stranglehold on TVNZ 1’s primetime programming, I’m sure more than a few terrestrial TV watchers were looking forward to seeing something other than a cooking reality show five nights a week.
Happily for some, the TVNZ programmers have kindly obliged - with four nights a week of property reality shows instead.
Delivered for your viewing pleasure they are: Unreal Estate on Tuesdays, HOMEmade on Wednesdays, Restoration Man on Thursdays, and Location Location Location on Fridays. All at 7.30pm too.
Surprised that these shows are still so popular, and a touch dismayed at the gall of TVNZ plastering them so liberally across the TV week, I set myself a challenge - record all four shows and binge-watch them in one session. A longer session than I first realised, given three of the four are a full hour long.
First up, Unreal Estate, an Australian ‘‘luxury living’’ show that brings to mind Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous - without the actual rich and famous.
They started with ‘‘one of Queensland’s most expensive homes’’ - complete with five-car garage, 2000-bottle wine cellar, a theatre, two helipads and its own marina, capable of docking a 72-foot boat. Did I mention the master bedroom’s walk-in wardrobe was apartment-sized? (52 square metres to be precise.) I wonder what the owners do?
‘‘Like a lot of successful people, the owners are super-private - so I can’t show you their faces on television.’’ Ah. Probably a summer home for the ruler of some small African dictatorship then.
Cleverly, Unreal Estate sprinkled snatches of this uberexample of decadent real-estate porn throughout its hour-long running time, keeping me fairly engaged for the duration.
One show down and still relatively fresh, I turned my attention to new local series HOMEmade, a sort of modern-day Mucking In hosted by TVNZ’s go-to property presenter Goran Paladin, he of Our First Home fame.
Don’t ask me why the HOME is capitalised, although it does suggest some kind of acronym - ‘Hammering Out Mindless Entertainment’ perhaps?
Tackling two reno projects in two days for worthy homeowners, Paladin is accompanied by the usual crack team of DIY accomplices that staff these shows - landscaper Dan, interior designer Melissa and builder/comic relief Dion.
‘‘I have never replaced a kitchen in two days before. Never ever,’’ bemoans black-besingleted builder Dion when informed of his task. You know he will though.
As the big reveal looms, voiceover informs us that ’’Ross and Vanessa are almost home - and the garden is nowhere near finished’’. Classic reality-TV drama interspersed with shots of the couple driving, suggesting they’re only moments away for the full final third of the show.
George Clarke’s Restoration Man has been around for more than seven years now, while Location Location Location is a whopping 17 years old.
‘‘In Harrogate, restoration novices Mark and Laura have hatched a plan to turn two beautiful church buildings into family homes,’’ Clarke tells us. ‘‘But will their high standards prove too costly?’’ Almost certainly - but that haunting look of despair in an over-optimistic and almost bankrupt homeowner’s eye is reality-TV gold.
Clarke pops in and out over weeks and months to check on progress and occasionally lend a hand - for at least as long as it takes to deliver a pithy line and smile for the camera anyway.
On the home stretch, I no longer care what Location Location Location has to offer. This granddaddy of property programmes seems to have survived purely on the strength of chemistry between presenters Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer.
The pair banter their way through each episode while assisting two house-hunting couples who invariably turn out to be more fussy than anyone looking to buy a home has a right to be these days.
From a quick glance at the ratings, the same would appear to be true of TVNZ 1 viewers - from a peak average (5+) audience of 325,600 HOMEmade viewers on Wednesday, viewership dropped during the week to 300,100 for Restoration Man and again to 274,600 for Location Location Location.
This doesn’t make them low raters though - all four property shows I’ve just suffered through are in the week’s top 25, led by HOMEmade at No 13 (just behind The Block NZ).
Despite these depressing facts, I had to ask TVNZ if they ever worried about saturating their primetime schedule with one particular kind of show.
Content director Cate Slater responded thusly: ‘‘Our programmers look to strike a balance across programming genres to avoid saturation of any particular type of show. Our international and local property shows are just part of our diverse lineup across TVNZ 1, 2, Duke and OnDemand.’’
She also added: ‘‘Property and home shows resonate well with New Zealand audiences. Clearly it’s something the nation has a strong interest in following, whether it be a peek into extraordinary homes locally and abroad, unique places and spaces - and/or easy DIY projects that can kick-start ideas for Kiwi homes nationwide.’’
I want to argue with that but I can’t. Ratings - and sheer mental exhaustion - prevent me. The people have spoken. Long live the property show.