Christmas, again?
Question
I’ve just hosted my 14th Christmas in a row.
I live in a reasonably big house and I’m on my own with two teenagers. I first said I’d have Christmas dinner at my place when my elder daughter was a baby to save going anywhere. She’s now 15.
No-one offers to pay, help with any preparation, or clean up. In the early days, my mother was a big help, but now she has to care for my father and they’re not able to do anything much except be there.
But my two brothers – one of whom is on his own with three kids and the other of whom often brings a partner with her children – just keep turning up to eat and drink.
I know I should be stronger, but I’m not that sort of person. My friends tell me what to say, but I hate conflict. My children want to do something else one year and I’m sick of the expense and the stress of always being the host. I want to do something now, so I don’t spend the year dreading it.
Answer
It doesn’t make sense that you have no support – either financial or preparatory. Surely, it’s unusual to have all these people not offering to contribute in any way? By trying to avoid discussing this situation, you might be giving the vibe that you prefer to run things your way. It might be that your Christmas group would like a change, too!
You say you hate conflict. It’s an interesting word which means to be different, opposed or contradictory; it doesn’t necessarily mean to fight. The fact that you’re unhappy about the current arrangement shows you’re already in conflict internally and you’ve not even tried to discuss it. There are many ways to resolve your problem without arguing, because an argument is a twoway thing and it’s up to you how you respond.
So, you can email your family – if that’s easiest – and say you’d like to change things up. Think about how you’d like to spend Christmas and just tell them. Or you could let your daughters choose how they’d like to spend Christmas and perhaps they can tell the others the plans.
Aside from the Christmas Day issue, it might be a good idea to think about how trapped you feel. I wonder if this could be an incentive for you to do some work on yourself so you feel able to live the life you want and not feel manipulated by other people. You want to be in charge of your life and your decisions.
I have a friend who has read and recommended a book called Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. She swears by it, but a quick search online showed numerous self-help books available that deal with learning to be more assertive and more in control of your life.
Get this problem sorted, so you can get on with living the life you want to lead.
Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book Awards for children and young adults. She has a new book out next month. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over. Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of a professional counsellor or psychologist.
To send Mary-anne a question email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.