Let’s gaze into that crystal ball
It’s the beginning of a new year and there has been the usual rash of psychic predictions as to what fate has in store for the world in 2019. I take these predictions with a pinch of salt because some are vague generalisations, such as hurricanes, volcanoes and earthquakes without any specifics. All of those catastrophic events happen in some part of the world every year. In short, they are a load of crystal balls.
One psychic, whose prophecies appear in newspapers and on YouTube, was way off with some of his 2018 predictions. For instance, he forecast that North Korea’s Kim Jong-un would be deposed by his own people; United States President Donald Trump would seal a massive trade deal with the United Kingdom; and Canadian troops would be called on to assist when rioting erupted in US cities. The author fudges these failures by claiming they could still happen.
So, as the competition doesn’t seem particularly strong and the criteria for a successful prediction pretty flexible, I’m going to make some predictions of my own for 2019. Here goes:
January: Donald Trump, finally recognising that neither Mexico nor Congress are going to pay for his beloved wall, reluctantly settles instead for an elaborate water feature near the border city of El Paso.
February: Jami-Lee Ross returns to Parliament but is forced to sit alone in the Chamber because no MPs are willing to sit within tape-recording range.
March: Brexit deadline day of March 29 arrives with no divorce settlement arranged. Lawyers hammer out an interim agreement in which the UK lets France take possession of the whole of the Channel tunnel in return for visiting rights to Europe for British citizens.
April: The Duchess of Sussex gives birth to a red-haired daughter on April 1 and appears to cock a snook at the royal establishment by announcing the baby will be named Sarah Fergie. She later admits this was an April Fool’s Day joke in poor taste. The baby will be called Harriet.
May: National List MP Maureen Pugh initiates a caucus revolt against Opposition leader Simon Bridges, who last year described Pugh as ‘‘f---ing useless’’. She proves him wrong by narrowly beating Judith Collins as the choice to replace him.
June: Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern takes time out from her political duties to organise a first birthday party for her daughter Neve Te Aroha. She says the party was much easier to handle than her coalition partners.
July: Environmentalists anxiously assess the first month of commercial whaling by Japan, which has quit the International Whaling Commission. Years of Japanese ‘‘scientific research’’ seems to have concluded whale meat still tastes good.
August: Nearly three years since he took office, Donald Trump is finally forced to release his tax returns. They reveal his wealth has been hugely exaggerated and he’s making paternity payments to several porn stars.
September: England win the Ashes after beating Australia in the final cricket test at The Oval, despite play being held up because an outburst of weeping by Steve Smith left damp patches on the wicket.
October: Slumping in the polls, Donald Trump announces he has made a hospital appointment to have his bone spurs removed ‘‘just in case the military needs me’’ in the event of war. ‘‘I’ll be the first to go,’’ he claimed.
November: The All Blacks win the Rugby World Cup for the third consecutive time.
December: Donald Trump announces a ban on imported Christmas food items, part of his plan to Make America Bake Again.
I’m not here to argue about social rights and wrongs, because this is a matter of safety. The current drug laws put people’s lives at risk.