‘We give too much power to that liquid’
Most Kiwis enjoy a few brews at the end of the working week. But some of us have a problem. One drink leads to one too many all too often. As part of a Stuff series, Over the Limit, Tommy Livingston talks to three women who choose a better life over a boo
‘Icouldn’t give a fat rat’s arse what I am drinking at my son’s wedding,’’ Lotta Dann says defiantly. ‘‘We give too much power to that liquid.’’
The author of the much-read ‘‘Mrs D’’ books and facilitator of the Living Sober website, Dann’s life is largely dedicated to helping others live without alcohol.
Wife to broadcaster Corin Dann, she is unapologetic about giving up the gin, wine and beer for a better life.
First with her career, than as a mum, her problem with drinking dogged her for years.
When it got to the point where she hid a wine bottle in an attempt to conceal how much she was drinking she knew the gig was up.
‘‘That was the point I pulled the pin. I had spent two years prior to that trying really hard to moderate – really hard – and failing.
‘‘I could see it was a new dysfunctional behaviour when I was really actively trying to get it together.’’
Dann says people often think problem drinking involves beer for breakfast – but it can be far more subtle. As a parent, it is the sluggishness of making breakfast in the morning after a few too many pinots the night before, or the inability to concentrate when your child is wanting something.
‘‘You go to the sports and you are making lunches. You can function and do it all but you are just a bit below par. You are not the best kind of self.
‘‘The other thing about alcohol is that it takes a lot of thinking time up – feeling guilty a lot, beating yourself up.
‘‘There is a lot of invisible work which goes on which people can’t see.’’
Noticing there is something wrong with your drinking is hard in a culture soaked in alcohol.
Social events usually centre around alcohol – work drinks are by their nature boozy – weddings, birthdays and even children’s birthdays have alcohol on offer. Given this, it was easy to hide in plain sight, Dann says. ‘‘It is very easy to excuse your own behaviour when it is accepted by the society you live in.
‘‘Being drunk is not frowned upon, having a bulging recycling bin is not frowned upon.
‘‘It was very easy for me to be a heavy heavy drinker.’’
One of the greatest benefits of sobriety is becoming a better mother, Dann says.
For years she was exposed to memes on social media making light of the ‘‘wine o’clock’’ culture. Seeing how deceptive that messaging was a big breakthrough for Dann.
‘‘I am happy that my kids are growing up with more of an understanding of the dark side of alcohol. They know Mum doesn’t drink because she can’t control it. They know Dad does because he can.’’
’The booze rollercoaster was killing me’
Comedian Billy Connolly once said that problem drinkers who don’t give up aren’t scared enough.
Shirley* couldn’t agree more. It took a trip to the depths of alcoholism to realise how scared she was.
For the hairdresser and business owner, the odd drink before work escalated over time. ‘‘The booze rollercoaster was killing me. It was that bad,’’ she reflects.
At one point she managed to stop drinking – but her progress was undone by a harmful relapse. ‘‘When you relapse you go deeper than when you first stopped. I went way deeper. I managed to keep my job. I was a functioning alcoholic.
‘‘But then it got so bad. Drinking in the mornings to stop the shakes and the horrible feelings.’’
Things escalated one night when Shirley self-harmed. It was a cry for help – she knew things had to change. Five years of sobriety later and the handbrake, she says, has come off her life.
It took a rehab stay and a good counsellor for the fog to lift – but when it did she never looked back. At 62, her career as a hairstylist is flourishing. She has bought and renovated her own home and built better relationships with her friends and family.
‘‘The desire to pick up a drink has never happened again. The fear is greater than any craving.’’
While Shirley’s drinking was on the more severe end, a lot of Kiwis are guilty of missing days at work due to drinking. A study released earlier this year by the University of Otago found hangover employees could be costing businesses $1.65 billion a year.
The research found employees calling in sick or coming in to work glassy-eyed and fatigued after a night out cost an average of $1100 in lost productivity per employee, per year.
Shirley’s career has taken off since she put down the bottle: ‘‘At the age of 62 my career is skyrocketing,’’ she says, laughing.
Clarity of mind, better sleep and the ability to dedicate herself to work have brought promotions and accolades. ‘‘I am way happier. Way more confident.
‘‘If someone was relaying what I did in the last four years I would be thinking they were talking about someone else.’’
‘All of my relationships improved’
Buying Lotta Dann’s book was the first step in giving up booze for Lizi Reese. The second step was reading it.
Reese had seen the Dann interview on TVNZ’s Sunday programme and her telling the story in a raw and honest way struck a chord.
She bought Dann’s book and allowed it to collect dust for a few weeks while pondering the challenge of giving up booze for good. One Sunday night, after a family dinner with her adult children, she decided she would begin reading.
She sat down by the fire, with a drink, and opened the first page. ‘‘I read about half of it in one sitting and I’ve never drunk again.’’
The decision to give up wasn’t down to some embarrassing catalyst moment for Reese, it was just the realisation that for far too long she had been drinking too much, too often.
In saying that, Reese says there would always be at least two nights a week when she didn’t have any alcohol at all. ‘‘An attempt at self-preservation. An attempt to convince myself I didn’t really have a problem, because many of my friends drank wine every single night.
‘‘I loved alcohol and I loved how it made me feel. I found it hard to stop though, I always had a compulsion for more.
‘‘I didn’t wake in the morning and think, ‘I need a drink’.
‘‘I might [have not felt] 100 per cent but I was always high functioning and busy. I ran my business during the day, I just got up and got on with it.
‘‘The word ‘alcoholic’ is not one I like or use to define myself. I used to drink too much, now I don’t.’’
When Reese pulled the pin, she knew she was losing a part of her identity. The glass with the Southern Comfort and diet Coke was almost an extension of her hand most Saturday nights.
‘‘Lizi without a drink at a party was a bit of a shock to those who know me. Socially I felt vulnerable, tender, and a little bit weird. I retreated for a while.’’
She also knew she was losing a valued and constant companion, ‘‘because that is what alcohol becomes; it is called addiction’’.
Alcohol free for 51⁄2 years now, Reese says ‘‘clarity is the new black’’.
‘‘I love social occasions, I’ve always been a ‘people person’, it’s just now I remember all of my conversations and they are authentic, honest and real, instead of fuelled by alcohol.
‘‘I really enjoy live music and now I hear every sound clearly, every instrument.
‘‘I’m no longer the life of the party but I am me, and I am proud to be there sober.
‘‘It can be quite a lonely time, though. Some people don’t really get it. Invitations are a lot thinner on the ground.
‘‘Some think that by not drinking you are shining a spotlight on their drinking, which is not the intention at all. They can become a little defensive.’’
When she gave up drinking, she started her own blog, aptly titled Southern Discomfort, as a way to stay accountable and to encourage others to try a life without booze.
‘‘The sheer number of women in this country living the way I was is a real eye opener.
‘‘High-functioning, fabulous and intelligent women, holding down amazing professional jobs, and full of warmth and humour. Drinking too much. Deciding to stop. Power to them.’’
Wine may get better with age, but sobriety gets even better, Reese says.
Anyone who has that nagging feeling or desire to pull back should seriously consider it.
‘‘Make it non-negotiable. Trust your decision and believe in what you are doing. You know why you are doing it. The growth you will have in all ways is enormous.
‘‘The rewards which come from gaining your true self back, which is what happens, are endless and continuous.
‘‘Year after year you reap more rewards. It is astonishing. ‘‘Give the p... a miss and find your bliss.’’
* Not her real name.
‘‘The desire to pick up a drink has never happened again. The fear is greater than any craving.’’