Moving past sexual assault
‘‘I had to trust them all with my story in order to trust with my body. They are friends. They took care of me and made sure I was OK.’’
Robert Tennent
While an increasing number of survivors of sexual assault have been brave enough to tell their stories since the #MeToo movement began last year, we still seldom hear from male victims.
Aucklander Robert Tennent is one man changing that.
The 19-year-old has rediscovered himself, and his sexuality, after a sexual assault early last year. Not the typical route for someone who has been through such trauma, he has detailed his journey back to selfconfidence in the book Come
Back To Bed.
Tennent was still in high school at the time of the attack.
‘‘It was confusing in the beginning,’’ says Tennent of the initial days following his assault. ‘‘I didn’t know if I’d done something wrong, and there was bleeding in my underwear and I knew that wasn’t supposed to be there.’’
Tennent’s prior sexual encounters had all been protected, and worry about his HIV status sank in with the realisation that he had not been protected during the assault.
‘‘I went to my high school counsellor, who sent me to the school nurse, who tested me.
‘‘HIV/Aids is something we’re always so confident isn’t going to happen to us, and I was conscious I couldn’t think like that.’’
An eventual negative HIV result was the beginning of Tennent’s journey back to emotional and physical health. Still, he had a long way to go.
He received ACC-funded counselling, which helped him to come to terms with that night.
‘‘It was just a space to speak about what happened,’’ he says. ‘‘I did it so it could help me accept that it was not my fault.’’
Yet Tennent remained what he calls a ‘‘very sad person’’. He lost all confidence in having a healthy relationship with sex again.
‘‘I actually thought I must be asexual, greysexual, or demisexual. I had no desire, my sex drive was just so low.’’
He remained celibate for five months as he didn’t trust anybody enough to let them become intimate with him. When he did start meeting new people, he was still highly sensitive to human touch.
‘‘I didn’t have much experience before my assault so it was still new to me,’’ he says. ‘‘I didn’t crave it. There are still times when I am touched and I immediately let the person know that I don’t like it and don’t approve.’’
In the past year, Tennent has regained his confidence and learned to trust again – a journey he documents through his intimate portraits. He was open with every new sexual partner about his previous assault. This was vital in regaining his strength.
‘‘I had to trust them all with my story in order to trust with my body,’’ Tennent says.
‘‘They are friends. They took care of me and made sure I was OK throughout the entire night. I care about them all. We explored so much together and they were so open.
‘‘Each guy taught me something different. Not just about sex, but about trust, about what I needed in a partner. I went from a place of zero control to understanding that I control the pace, I control who I see. I took my power back.’’
It was the quiet times between sexual partners where Tennent did the most healing.
‘‘Take your time,’’ is his advice to other survivors. ‘‘You are in control of how you heal and how much time you want to take. There is no rush and you need to find your own pace.’’
‘‘In order to be comfortable with someone else, you have to be comfortable alone.’’