I said yes to a consent workshop
Why consent workshops are popping up in workplaces and schools everywhere.
I’ve never been a big Star Wars fan. But I’ve always regarded the original sci-fi trilogy as an iconic piece of pop culture – not as a pillar of rape culture. As far as I know, the Jedi are a celibate species and no human undresses in the spaceship. Taking a closer look at one of the most popular films of all times now – and with my consent glasses on – the romantic encounter in The Empire Strikes Back doesn’t feel so tantalising any more.
The scene only lasts about a minute-anda-half. Princess Leia rebuffs Han Solo’s advances verbally and physically, saying ‘‘stop that’’ and backing off – eight times, exactly. Next minute, he forces a kiss on her lips. She finally gives in. Still, it makes him a predator.
Thanks to more cinematic detective work, we now know that Harrison Ford is just as bad in Indiana Jones and even worse in
Blade Runner. Seemingly harmless roles like Ford’s have taught sexual behaviour lessons to millions of teenagers while they gobbled their popcorn: as a male hero, it’s normal and expected of you to make a physical move on a love interest without her agreement – or even override her protest. Because women secretly want that, right? Ask Donald Trump.
What’s right and normal is being rewritten in the era of #MeToo. But the latest Gillette ad that advocates against blatant sexism (‘‘Is this the best a man can get?’’) seemed to stoke the gender war because thousands of men felt negatively stereotyped by it.
On the other hand, when American mother Eleanor Morrison wrote the children’s book C is for Consent, thousands of parents heaped praise on her and helped crowdfund the project. No male ego gets hurt by the story of little Finn who is ‘‘not in the mood’’ to hug grandma. At the end of the book, he asks a playmate for permission before he holds her hand. Good boy!
Teaching body autonomy to any gender from an early age is sending a different message to kids’ minds than the old tale about ‘‘keeping girls safe’’ by controlling how they act and dress. According to the author, this permission and awareness in our upbringing – who has not hugged someone out of politeness or obligation? – could prevent sexual violence further down the track, without leaving the onus on the ‘‘prey’’. My body, my terms.
Whether it’s a feminist awakening or simply to avoid legal trouble, the same message is now spreading in boardrooms and institutions around the world. But it’s a
long way from a picture book to the bedroom. And there is fear, from the international yoga school Agama in Thailand – that stands accused of sexual abuse and now has compulsory consent courses in their curriculum – to Hollywood.
After the allegations against its House of
Cards star Kevin Spacey and many other celebrities, production company Netflix is imposing new rules onset via mandatory anti-harassment trainings: no lingering hugs, no asking colleagues for phone numbers and not looking at anyone for longer than five seconds.
Consent has entered the main stage, literally: at the end of Yes But No at Berlin’s famous Gorki theatre – a current play about unwanted intimate encounters and mixed messages – the audience is asked to stay on afterwards and practice their verbal ‘‘yes’’ and ‘‘no’’ with each other in the foyer, as a playful add-on. Hundreds of people are taking this mini ‘‘consent workshop’’ every night of the show. I was one of them.
My counterparts and I were invited to approach each other with an on-the-spot request of non-sexual touch, like stroking their hair. ‘‘Thank you for looking after yourself,’’ I repeated, as instructed, when I received a ‘‘no’’. Their negative reply was not a rejection. By expressing what they wanted or not, they were doing me a favour as well.
Closer to home, the recent buzz about consent is reflected in public awareness campaigns such as #BetterDecisions by the Wellington Police, with the catchphrase ‘‘Don’t guess the YES’’. Despite Star Wars,
Kiwis generally get it that aggression is not seduction and another body is not your property. Or, as a much-circulated social media post states: ‘‘Straight men understand consent when they go to a gay bar.’’
But the Roast Busters scandal and Wellington College boys publicly boasting about taking advantage of drunk girls speak of a different reality at schools and in the streets.
‘‘We have a culture of bullying, overriding and silencing, where someone who’s asking to be listened to or doesn’t want to join in at a party is seen as weak,’’ says Mareile Stoppel, trauma therapist at START (a specialist service for victims of sexual abuse) in Christchurch.
‘‘Date rape doesn’t only happen when you’re knocked out by a spiked drink.’’ More often it’s a coercive affair, fuelled by assumptions, peer pressure and entitlement.
Along with cyber safety, Stoppel introduced Mates & Dates to the Christchurch Rudolf Steiner school last year where she is the school counsellor – a relationship programme of five sessions for year 10 students and up, facilitated through ACC.
In her job, she’s seen countless examples of ‘‘date rape confusion’’. ‘‘Many girls have internalised that it must be their fault if they end up having unwanted sex, especially if they were feeling aroused,’’ she says. ‘‘Pornography and sharing nude pictures puts even more pressure on them.’’
In one recent instance, Stoppel took a female student who was conflicted about her experience step by step through a quick (and hilarious) tutorial to unpack what really happened: the ‘‘Tea Consent’’ video.
It compares a sexual encounter to offering someone a cuppa, breaking down all the ins and outs: ‘‘unconscious people don’t want tea’’ (so don’t force it down their throats) and ‘‘if someone said yes to tea last Saturday, it doesn’t mean they want you to make them tea all the time’’.
The YouTube cartoon became so popular that it inspired ‘‘Tea Slut’’ and ‘‘Coffee Consent’’ parodies.
A groundbreaking new study from Columbia University found that sex education at schools where ‘‘how to say yes or no to sex’’ is actually practiced – as opposed to just preaching abstinence – helps students to avoid sexual assault during college.
In the Mates & Dates classes, students learn through workbooks and group exercises how body language can be read – or misinterpreted – and are taught to think of FRIES before they think of sex. The acronym stands for the five components that make up consent: ‘‘freely given’’, ‘‘reversible’’, ‘‘informed’’, ‘‘enthusiastic’’, ‘‘specific’’.
Undressing, for starters, does not
‘‘We have a culture of bullying, overriding and silencing, where someone who’s asking to be listened to or doesn’t want to join in at a party is seen as weak.’’ Mareile Stoppel Trauma therapist at START