Let’s get Wellington pausing for a cup of tea
There have been panicked scenes at Let’s Get Wellington Moving headquarters recently as staff work out how best to respond to a damning report by external consultants and a scathing letter from Transport Minister Michael Wood.
The report recommended work on the project be paused as priorities were reset. There was much enthusiasm for this and a new name – Let’s Get Wellington Pausing – and a logo of a cup of tea was created. However, the consultation period of six months on whether the project should pause for three months was deemed unworkable, according to a different report by different consultants.
The pausing idea was thrown in the bin with all the other ideas that have been thrown in the bin by LGWM. Staff members threw out the bin as well, as it needed emptying. ‘‘Action is needed, and it is needed fast,’’ said LGWM staffer Todd Torpor.
A highly paid advertising consultant suggested a new name – Let’s Get ‘‘Let’s Get Wellington Moving’’ Moving – but that was seen as overly optimistic. Staff decided that, to make progress, they needed to let the people of Wellington know exactly what was happening. The only trouble was that most of them had no idea what was happening.
LGWM officials strenuously denied the report’s assessment that their programme was processdriven rather than outcomes-driven. However, an official couldn’t comment further until they had consulted with other staff members on the correct process for engaging with questions about the criticism of their reliance on process.
As well as a lack of expertise and ‘‘strategic leadership’’, the report mentioned staff shortages. This was also strongly denied, and the media were promised a comprehensive update on the staffing situation by a fully qualified member of the communications team just as soon as the position was filled. ‘‘I can’t understand why people aren’t queueing up to work at LGWM,’’ said one happy staff member involved in pretty website design. ‘‘We’ve got heaps of money to slosh around and, so far, we haven’t spent any of it on infrastructure. We advertised a position recently and hardly anyone turned up for an interview. Perhaps they got stuck in traffic?’’
Wellington City Council staff officer Urbanista
Hipster-Cycleway recommended a co-design and engagement process where Wellingtonians could give their views as to the most urgent transport solutions, then set about doing them. But Waka Kotahi NZ Transport Agency engineer Kingston Bridgeport-Flyover was horrified by the proposal. He suggested they tell the public to get knotted and implement a multibillion-dollar, four-lanes-to-theplanes motorway project, a model of which has been sitting on his desk since 1964. ‘‘These so-called experts come in with their cheap community-based solutions,’’ he thundered, ‘‘when it’s well-known that the road-based solutions we produce are 20 times more expensive and sometimes almost as effective for a couple of years.’’
Government disapproval with LGWM is strong, and it is rumoured that around the Cabinet table the project is often described as a double-Mallard, sometimes as a triple-Clark and once even as a Cluster-Twyford. Last week, Wood wrote to LGWM and said that ‘‘the only way we will restore public confidence is by making progress’’.
Once a LGWM official had checked that Wood hadn’t made a typo and mistakenly written ‘‘progress’’ instead of ‘‘process’’, they argued that the new 30km/h speed limit in the CDB was a tangible gain. Suggestions from consultants to rename the project Let’s Get Wellington Moving Slower received little support.
Cycling advocate Cargeau Derailleur agreed that completing smaller projects in the Street Package, such as improving walking and cycling options, would improve public confidence in LGWM. But according to sources, there are vastly opposing views within the project itself, and gridlock has ensued. This is something Wellington motorists understand.
Wood suggested that bus priority would be another relatively small project that could be completed soon. Bridgeport-Flyover was unimpressed. ‘‘What roading engineer ever got a knighthood for namby-pamby bus priority lanes? We were trained to build motorways and tunnels. Wellington needs more spaghetti junctions and fewer bicycle junctions.’’
Meanwhile, Wood has asked LGWM to come up with a plan within the next fortnight to address the issues raised in the report. ‘‘In our world,’’ said one worried LGWM staff member, ‘‘a fortnight is a nanosecond. You’re talking about people who’ve spent over five years with little to show.’’
Just what sort of plan to present to the minister is also causing conflict. Hipster-Cycleway favours a co-design session with Post-it notes and pipecleaner models to show possible cycling and walking options. Bridgeport-Flyover favours an expensive scale model of a planned underground motorway from the CBD to the airport, known affectionately in his office as Waterview 2.
Stay tuned. If one thing is certain, it is that this will be a long, drawn-out drama.
According to sources, there are vastly opposing views within the project itself, and gridlock has ensued. This is something Wellington motorists understand.