Hitting ‘em where it hurts

How wonderful that Christopher Luxon and Nicola Willis have finally come up with a law-andorder policy that hits youth offenders where it hurts – literally.

None of the softly-softly, kid gloves, kumbaya, wraparound mumbo-jumbo that we get from the present Government.

While offences against people – such as murder and grievous bodily harm – are concerning, it is offences against private property which are the real blight of our society.

Putting ramraiders in military-style boot camps will teach them right from wrong, as well as right from left.

As for the ‘‘wraparound services’’ that the Government claims are working, the only wraparound these young offenders need is a good wraparound the ears. ‘‘Thugs not hugs’’ is my motto.

Yes, statistically, the kumbaya mush that this Government is using to deal with youth offenders is working, but they’ve neglected to understand why people like me support these policies – revenge. As the underrated Old Testament says, ‘‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a year in a boot camp for a ramraid’’.

My only criticism of the boot camp policy advocated by Luxon and Willis – or as they like to be known, Boot Camp Leader and Boot Camp Mother – is that it doesn’t go far enough.

Running a military camp is expensive.

Failed schoolteachers, defrocked priests and army dropouts must be recruited and incentivised with higher salaries.

Statisticians must be contracted to cleverly disguise the 85% failure rate.

And then there are the subsequent court costs, confidential financial settlements and commissions of inquiry to pay for when all the abuse-in-care accusations come flooding in years later.

Surely if these camps could earn money, they would be less of a burden on the taxpayer.

That’s why I like the idea of workhouses or, as I like to call them, wharemahi.

Wharemahi could be run by the local parish beadle or contracted out to private companies.

I find work tends to free the people from the chains of welfarism, and there are many great companies who I’m sure could successfully institute a wharemahi programme that would get the children of persistent idlers and bottom-feeders to work and make a profit.

Wharemahi children would work 14 hours a day – the same hours as an airline executive – and would be fed a cost-effective thin and measly gruel, with no second helpings.

We currently have a labour shortage so sending out youth offenders who are based in wharemahi to work could also earn muchneeded revenue.

We have the technology to ensure that work in hard-to-fill jobs – including driving buses and staffing boot camps – can all be done while wearing an ankle bracelet.

But sadly, I can’t see this Government having a bar of it – they’re more interested in creating a wokehouse than a workhouse.

As for ankle bracelets, why on earth did National U-turn and propose ankle bracelets for children as young as 10 years old?

This is a transgression of human rights – of the private property owners whose businesses are ramraided by 8- and 9-yearolds.

There are 6-year-olds in my street giving cheek to passersby and showering them with water pistols.

Yet again, National has listened to its liberal wing by setting the ankle bracelet limit at a high 10 years old. Come on Boot Camp Leader and Boot Camp Mother, reduce it to 5 years old and really make a statement.

And for those namby-pamby, lefty-liberal middle-class Wellington parents – who forced poor Nicola Willis to put all her possessions into a carpet bag and move to the Ō hā riu parish – if you’re worried that your child might fall in with a bad lot and end up having to wear an unsightly ankle bracelet – you can relax. I hear Jamie Kay and OshKosh will be contracted to make colourco-ordinated ankle bracelets for the fashionconscious child.

It’s also time to get tough on the primary cause of youth crime – truancy.

I’ve heard that a massive 120% of children at some low-decile schools stay away on any given day.

While parents who take their children on educational trips to places like Hawaii during school time are technically contributing to truancy – they’re not the real problem. Besides, rich people produce a better class of truant.

The real problem are parents who can’t get up at 7am and get their kids to school.

I wonder if we could look at putting loud community alarm clocks in poorer neighbourhoods, and blast a wake-up call at 6am? Although that might also cause a problem with the many parents who have night cleaning and security jobs who don’t go to bed until 5.45am.

No doubt the usual critics will howl with outrage at my constructive suggestions and call my ideas old-fashioned and Victorian.

To them, I simply say bah humbug.

‘‘this ... Government [is] more interested in creating a wokehouse than a workhouse.’’