Trolleys, putdowns and getting older Letters to the Editor
Acouple of weeks back I pulled into a car park at the local supermarket and as I was getting out of the car I watched the young woman in the car next to me finish loading her groceries and proceed to push her trolley into the empty car park behind mine.
I said “You’re not going to leave that there, are you?” and she responded with a nonchalant “They have people for that”.
I said something about courtesy for others, which not only included the person whose job it was to collect the trolleys but all the people who would be unable to use that space until the trolley was collected.
She told me that she was a busy mother whose day had been difficult and she was tired and in no mood to return her trolley to its rightful place.
At that point I should have just moved on but her breezy self-justification pushed a button and I responded with a terse “In other words you are lazy and thoughtless”. It was a tactless statement and of course it provoked her.
“Well you’re just old and out of touch and don’t know anything about real life and the pressures people are under.”
She was only getting started and as I collected the trolley she followed me to the trolley bay and then to the doors of the supermarket informing me over and over that I was “old and past it”. I wanted to say “not so busy after all” but wisely kept it to myself.
I guess when you’re on the defensive you lash out by grabbing a hold of whatever you think will hurt the most and reminding someone that their time is running down is as good a putdown as any.
I remember the first time it happened. I was living in an apartment complex and when they weren’t having rowdy sex the young couple next door were at each other’s throats.
On this occasion it was 2am and I’d had enough so I knocked on their door and asked them to keep it down. I was sent on my way with a sharp “Piss off old man”.
I was 55 at the time and until that moment I had not thought of myself as particularly old. It was a wake-up call and from then on I was acutely aware that the inner me and the outer me did not necessarily coalesce.
Two of the best friends I have ever had were men I met when they were in their 80s. Possessed of inquiring minds both men carried a mischievous twinkle in their eye and their ability to roll with the changes kept them young at heart and provided an example I hoped to emulate.
God forbid I turn into one of those that haunt social media moaning about “wokeism” and how much better everything was back in the good old days. That sort of reactive response to ever changing social mores does nothing for the public image of the ageing and aged.
My late father, a retired farmer who measured everything by his ability to tackle hard physical work told me that your 60s are good, your 70s a little bit harder and as for your 80s - forget about it, but if you’re not invested in physical work, those later years can be a magical time, as demonstrated by the artist who created Waves off Kanagawa.
Hokusai was a poor money manager and his debts meant that he was forced to keep working after most would have hung up their brush and put away the ink.
He was in his late 70s when he produced his masterwork, now the most reproduced image in the history of art. He died aged 89, fervently hoping for a little more time as he felt he was only just starting to get the hang of it.
Then there’s Joe Biden who gets more than a little grief for being old. Ok, he often looks like a strong gust of wind might push him off the edge yet his administration is responsible for one of the most dynamic eras in modern American history.
Biden’s strength lies in his ability to surround himself with capable people and he’s living proof that leadership is less about youthful flash and dash than it is about thoughtfulness. Growing older has much to recommend it though there are a few drawbacks - the limbs get a little stiffer, stamina decreases and hair grows on all sorts of odd places like the nose and ears. I spend more time with the tweezers than I would like, otherwise everything is pretty good. The spirit of my younger self still resides within me except the rough edges have been knocked off - the insecurities have been replaced with considered self-possession and there is wisdom where there used to be hubris. When I consider all this I would not want to be a kid again for anything. All that confusion, angst and drama - forget it!
As for courtesy - it is not dead, it is as it has always been, alive in the hearts of some, absent in the hearts of others.
Not long ago I was waiting to cross the road when it started to rain. A young man rushed over and offered me his umbrella. I demurred but he insisted saying that he’d rather get wet than see me uncomfortable.
As for those kids who think that old is something that happens to other people - do you ever have a surprise ahead!