DILEM­MAS, DAHLING

On the eve of New Zealand Fash­ion Week, here are Ruth Spencer’s five burn­ing ques­tions of Fash­ion

Weekend Herald - Canvas - - CONTENTS -

As they say in Fash­ion, one day you’re in, the next, you’re out. That’s all very well, but work­ing out what to wear when you’re out fre­quently makes you wish you’d stayed in. Why must it be this way?

Why does your hair hate you?

Whether you wear a pob, a lob, or a faux­hawk, one thing is true: it will al­ways look best the day it’s booked in for a cut. There you sit with per­fect hair as the stylist asks what you’d like done. Um … this? You feel quite fond of it un­til she washes it and you’re sit­ting there in your black cape look­ing like Severus Snape. No won­der the buz­z­cut keeps com­ing back in.

What’s with ‘mom jeans’?

The cast of Friends con­vinced us to wear them for years. Then we re­alised they make your butt look both long and flat, starting at your waist and end­ing some­where around your knees. This con­fig­u­ra­tion is sel­dom men­tioned in rap songs cel­e­brat­ing butts. Then skinny jeans turned up, re­veal­ing ev­ery bump and killing your nerve end­ings — but at least our butts are as-is-where-is in­stead of roam­ing freely in a can­vas bag. So why are tweens choos­ing “mom jeans” again, wast­ing their one brief chance to not have mom butt?

Is mut­ton dressed as lamb re­ally a thing?

Here’s a se­cret: fresh young things don’t judge older women for wear­ing youth­ful clothes. They think it’s weird to not fol­low the trends. They don’t know why we es­chew a booty short, and they puz­zle over tunic tops. But the ma­ture woman who has popped into For­ever New to try the adorable flo­ral cut-out play­suit in the win­dow knows that mut­ton is de­li­cious in its place but a bit too tough to be pink in the mid­dle. It seems like only yes­ter­day you couldn’t buy a one-piece bathing suit to save your life. Be­cause it was. For sev­eral years Fash­ion de­cided that ev­ery­one wanted a bikini, and that one-pieces (mail­lots, if you must) were dead in the wa­ter. Saleswomen tried to pre­tend it was so that you could buy dif­fer­ent sized tops and bot­toms but we all knew it was be­cause life is cruel. Then the one-piece re­turned, with an ex­cit­ing high leg to re­ally show off the bikini line. Thanks, Fash­ion. Fash­ion could, if it wanted to, make skirted togs cool or bring back those full-body wool wet­suits from the 1920s. Un­for­tu­nately Fash­ion’s too busy de­sign­ing wa­ter­proof nip­ple stick­ers for sum­mer 19.

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