DILEMMAS, DAHLING

On the eve of New Zealand Fashion Week, here are Ruth Spencer’s five burning questions of Fashion

As they say in Fashion, one day you’re in, the next, you’re out. That’s all very well, but working out what to wear when you’re out frequently makes you wish you’d stayed in. Why must it be this way?

Why does your hair hate you?

Whether you wear a pob, a lob, or a fauxhawk, one thing is true: it will always look best the day it’s booked in for a cut. There you sit with perfect hair as the stylist asks what you’d like done. Um … this? You feel quite fond of it until she washes it and you’re sitting there in your black cape looking like Severus Snape. No wonder the buzzcut keeps coming back in.

What’s with ‘mom jeans’?

The cast of Friends convinced us to wear them for years. Then we realised they make your butt look both long and flat, starting at your waist and ending somewhere around your knees. This configuration is seldom mentioned in rap songs celebrating butts. Then skinny jeans turned up, revealing every bump and killing your nerve endings — but at least our butts are as-is-where-is instead of roaming freely in a canvas bag. So why are tweens choosing “mom jeans” again, wasting their one brief chance to not have mom butt?

Is mutton dressed as lamb really a thing?

Here’s a secret: fresh young things don’t judge older women for wearing youthful clothes. They think it’s weird to not follow the trends. They don’t know why we eschew a booty short, and they puzzle over tunic tops. But the mature woman who has popped into Forever New to try the adorable floral cut-out playsuit in the window knows that mutton is delicious in its place but a bit too tough to be pink in the middle. It seems like only yesterday you couldn’t buy a one-piece bathing suit to save your life. Because it was. For several years Fashion decided that everyone wanted a bikini, and that one-pieces (maillots, if you must) were dead in the water. Saleswomen tried to pretend it was so that you could buy different sized tops and bottoms but we all knew it was because life is cruel. Then the one-piece returned, with an exciting high leg to really show off the bikini line. Thanks, Fashion. Fashion could, if it wanted to, make skirted togs cool or bring back those full-body wool wetsuits from the 1920s. Unfortunately Fashion’s too busy designing waterproof nipple stickers for summer 19.