Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... Sir John Key

MONDAY

At the end of the day I’m just plain old John, but sometimes the start of the day is much more revealing, which is why the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to change my Twitter account, email signature, phone message, and monogrammed bath towels to Sir John Key. The phone rang. I snatched at it, and said, “Sir John here.” “Yo sup dawg,” said Max. I hung up. It’s not so much the boy can’t speak English — he takes after me in that regard — but I just really wanted to hear from someone who I could drop the knighthood into conversation with, and make it sound as though I was modest. The phone rang. I snatched at it, and said, “Sir John here.” “You sound happy,” said Bill English. “Oh it’s just another day,” I said. “Although I got a knighthood in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List — have you heard?” He sighed, and said, “You told us when you left Parliament that if we didn’t follow your instructions and give you a knighthood, you’d let slip where the bodies are buried.” I hung up. He always was a downer. I walked outside and looked at the pool. Autumn leaves floated on the surface. A dark cloud passed overhead, and cast a dark shadow on the water. I shivered.

Sometimes I wonder whether life has any meaning. We live, we die. What’s the point of it? We accumulate wealth, we get into positions of power, but so what? Lately I’ve looked back on my nine years as Prime Minister and I can’t honestly think of anything lasting that I achieved. Nine years of skimming the surface, like the leaves on my pool . . .

The phone rang. I heard it deep in the pocket of my monogrammed bathrobe. Eventually I picked up, and said, “Hello?”

Mike Hosking said, “Sir John! Mate! Congratulations!”

The sun came out. It flickered on the surface of the water.

TUESDAY

Dame Julie Christie came over. “Congratulations,” I said. “And to you,” she said. I poured her a glass. “Cheers,” I said. “Cheers,” she said. We sat down, and looked out at the pool. “Love your work,” I said. She asked, “Any shows in particular?” “All of them,” I said, trying to remember one of them. She said, “Well, you were a great Prime Minister.” I said, “At the end of the day you have to reflect on why you got the knighthood and that’s because of an amazing Cabinet, an amazing caucus and millions of New Zealanders who voted for a National Government and gave me the opportunity to be Prime Minister. “The reality is I was Prime Minister, and I’d like to think I did a good job of making New Zealand a better place.” She said, “Oh, it’s definitely a much better place.”

We sipped our wine, and looked out at the pool.

WEDNESDAY

No one called, or came by the house.

THURSDAY

Max joined us for breakfast, and said, “Yo sup dawg.”

I said, “At the end of the day you have to reflect on why you got the knighthood and that’s because of an amazing Cabinet, an amazing caucus and millions of New Zealanders who voted for a National Government and gave me the opportunity to be Prime Minister.”

He didn’t stay long.

FRIDAY

I looked at my appointments calendar. I’ll join the board of Air New Zealand, effective from September 1.

I’ll also be sitting on a number of other boards, and I have commitments in China, the US and the UK.

I walked outside this evening and looked at the pool. The trees were bare. There was a full moon. I shivered, and felt afraid.