What I’d do

1 Saturday morning. I lie in bed, listening to the turtle doves cooing outside. I open the window and tell them: “Someone’s tryna sleep in here for heck’s sake!” They politely fly away. Construction begins in the downstairs apartment. And then across the road. And then one house over. The individual buzz saws harmonise. I need a bit of P ’n’ Qso I head to Westfield St Lukes.

2 Saturday night, after a full day at St Lukes, just walking the promenade and getting shop assistants to explain their wares, a sense of panic sets in. They’re closing the shops! I realise KMart is open until midnight and am awash with relief. I look over their cushion range and test the valve system on their lidded rubbish bins. I drive home via the Fish & Chip Shop in Westmere to pick up a Coke.

3 Sunday morning. The turtle doves are back at it again. I don’t have the heart to interrupt their courtship today. Construction begins in the apartment below at 7am. They had told the whole neighbourhood that they “wouldn’t do construction on Sundays”, so they try and disguise every buzz saw whine with a cough or a sneeze. Donning my silk kimono, I waft around the apartment questioning various life choices.

4 Sunday night. Lying on the foam mattress, watching YouTube clips. Suddenly a Tactix sledgehammer with fibreglass handle bursts through my floor. My neighbour’s head appears, surprised that someone is living in their attic. I quickly pack all my belongings into my teal Toyota Starlet and drive, drive, drive. At 11.30pm I find myself at Westfield St Lukes’ KMart, making a covert cubbyhole in the cushions. When no one’s looking, I slip in. I have the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years.