Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... Simon Bridges
MONDAY
I woke up super-amped and ready to rock.
Today’s the last day for candidates to make their pitch for the leadership of the National Party, and I can feel it in my grasp. It’s like a golden cup. I’m so close to holding it...I needed something to match my mood, so I flipped through my CDs, turned the volume up to 11, and put on Led Zeppelin’s classic track Dazed and Confused.
The giant riffs started up and I played some pretty mean air guitar. Then I howled along to the lyrics: “Been dazed and confused for so long it’s not true! Wanted a woman, never bargained for you!”
Natalie came into the room, and yelled, “Turn it down!”
I clenched my fists, and howled, “Lots of people talk and few of them know! Soul of a woman was created below!”
She yanked the plug out of the wall. “For God’s sake,” she said.
“Sorry, dear,” I said.
TUESDAY
I woke up super-amped and ready to well and truly rock. Today’s the day of the ballot.
The golden cup is even closer within reach. I can now almost taste the sweet nectar inside it ... I put on again, plugged in the headphones, and whispered along to the lyrics: “You hurt and abuse telling all of your lies! Run around sweet baby, Lord how they hypnotise!”
Yeah. Talking about you, Judith Collins. And you, Amy Adams. Out of my way! Manifest destiny coming through!
I strode into the caucus room and everyone was there and we needed to block out journalists being able to look through the wide glass door so we got Gerry to stand up against it.
I didn’t win at the first ballot. That wasn’t a surprise. I knew I was about two or three votes short. But then came the second ballot and the winner was announced and I heard my name called out and I lifted the golden cup to my lips and drank deep.
WEDNESDAY
In my first full day as leader of the National Party I thundered against the Government, slamming it as incompetent for approving a $350,000 payment for a feasibility study on a West Coast waste-to-energy project to a company associated with a man under investigation by the Serious Fraud Office.
It turned out later in the day that National paid $45,000 last year to the same company owned by the same man for a feasibility study on the same waste-to-energy project.
Had a strange taste in my mouth all day.
THURSDAY
I figured that a cleansing ale would get rid of the strange taste, and phoned Greens co-leader James Shaw.
“Giddy mate,” I said.
“Oh hello, Simon,” he said, sounding a bit surprised . “How can I help?”
“Well,” I said, “here we are, two leaders of major political parties which appear to be diametrically opposed to each other at a very basic and profound level but when you think about it are bound to actually have quite a lot of common ground and could work together in a MMP environment, but that’s by the by, I just wondered whether you’d fancy a beer?”
“It’s 8am,” he said.
FRIDAY
Stayed up late trying to figure out where to position bloody Collins and bloody Adams in the new caucus. And bloody Joyce. Tempted to throw them into the pit of the backbenches, and create something new and energising, but studied the rest of the names and put my head in my hands.
Took a break at about 4am. Crept into the lounge, turned on the CD player, and put on the headphones. “Been dazed and confused...” It wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
Went into the kitchen, and poured a drink into the golden chalice.