Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... Simon Bridges

MONDAY

We ran out of milk this morning so I called the Crown limousine and it was a pain having to wait for it to arrive because the kids really set up a racket howling for their cereal.

It finally pulled up and I jumped in and the driver said, “Where to, Mr Bridges?”

“The corner,” I said.

He turned around and gave me a look but I didn’t have time for idle chit-chat and opened up my briefcase.

I’d just pulled out the top sheet when we arrived. I walked in and shook hands with the proprietor.

“Good morning,” I said. “I just thought I’d pop in and connect with ordinary New Zealanders.”

He said, “I’m ordinary?” “We’re all ordinary in a socialist regime,” I said.

“Our country is filled to the brim with opportunities — we just need to make sure we get the settings right so New Zealanders can make the most of them. This roadshow is another step in our plan to do that.”

He said, “Do you want to buy something?” I tried to think of an item that would connect me with ordinary New Zealanders, and noticed the display behind him. “A packet of those, thanks, mate.” When I got back home, Natalie said, “Where’s the milk?”

“Damn. I forgot,” I said, above the howls in the kitchen.

She said, “So what did you get?”

I showed her.

“But you don’t smoke,” she said.

TUESDAY

The bill came in for the roadshow. I gathered the caucus together, and said, “Not a word of this gets out!”

It was all over the news five seconds later. Judith put down her phone, and said, “Only Ardern could have done this!”

WEDNESDAY

No one has come forward. But the country needs to know, so I ordered an official inquiry.

A good QC ought to be able to get to the bottom of this. Email records, phone records . . . something will turn up.

THURSDAY

I tried calling Judith, but it kept going to voice message.

“It’s a real nuisance,” she said, when I ran into her at the staff canteen. “I’ve lost it. Can’t find it anywhere.” “Such a pain when that happens,” I said. “Was there something you wanted to talk about?”

“Just wanted to run an idea past you. I thought of someone who might be able to help with the inquiry. Someone a bit . . . unorthodox, but certainly well-trained at infiltrating enemy lines.” “Oooh, sounds exciting!”

Her phone rang.

While she left to take the call, I got out my phone and set up a meeting.

FRIDAY

We met in the underground carpark.

He was a lot bigger than I thought, and very quiet.

He listened without saying anything when I asked if he’d consider helping with the inquiry, that it had to be discreet, on the down-low, and to avoid armed combat where possible.

“The main thing,” I said, “is not to go overboard.”

He eyes drilled straight through me and I didn’t know what else to say and I found myself searching in my pocket for cigarettes. It seemed like a good time to start.

I lit one up with a shaky hand, and said, “Like one?”

“No,” said Willie Apiata.