‘Six Commandments’ for Surviving Social Media
1 Thou shalt not feel guilty for blocking, banning or muting internet philistines
I think of my social media accounts as my digital lounge. Being the opinionated rabble-rouser I am, I feel quite comfortable having heated debates in my lounge, but if someone barged into my home to tell me that I was a stupid b **** who should stick to her singing, that person would find themselves turfed out on their ear with a firm request to never come back. If someone came into my house to tell me that I should go and kill myself, or that someone should shoot me, I’d insist they left before I called the police. Your online spaces are yours. You get to set the tone, just as you would in your own home. Guests are more than welcome, but if a guest forgets their manners — or turns out to be a psychopathic f ***wit — you are well within your rights to ask them to leave.
2
Thou shalt surround thyself with wonderful, warm-hearted friends, family and colleagues both online and IRL
I firmly believe that support networks are the key to surviving online abuse. If you know, without a doubt, that you are liked, loved and respected by people who actually know you, it’s very difficult for a nasty stranger to make you believe that you are worthless, inadequate, or unlovable. Having people to reach out to who will refute without blinking all of the horrible things that an online bully might say, means that you have an antidote that will protect you from even the most toxic bile. Never suffer online abuse alone. Always reach out.
3
Thou shalt tailor thy response to online bullies according to thy inner state of mind at the time on a case-by-case basis
Sometimes it is truly best not to “feed the trolls”, not because it’s the official advice given, but because you don’t need the strife that comes with engaging with nasty people. If you are feeling vulnerable, down or upset, the last thing you need is a race to the bottom of the barrel with someone whose sole purpose is to make you feel miserable. If you’re feeling strong, however, there is no reason why you shouldn’t respond as I was taught to at kindy — to say, loudly, “stop it, I don’t like it, go away”, — only feel free to substitute the pre-school vocabulary with 4 Thou shalt not stoop to their level While telling a bully exactly what you think of their opinion and offering them a suggestion of where they should get off is perfectly acceptable, bullying them in return is not. Bullies, after all, are people too. They are most often pitiable people who are preying on others in a misguided and pathological attempt to assuage their own inferiority complex and make themselves feel better. Standing up for yourself or a friend is fine, but there is a delicate balance that must be upheld. If we stoop to their level, we become part of the problem. 5
Thou shalt remember that online bullying is not thy fault As women, victim-blaming can be almost hardwired into our brains. No, he wouldn’t have been nice to you if you’d written that tweet differently. He came after you for a reason; he didn’t threaten to rape you because you expressed your view a certain way, he attacked you because you expressed a view he didn’t like and he didn’t know how to deal with it like a civilised grown-up. You can rest assured that he was a s***head long before you and your tweet came along.
6 Thou shalt find refuge in the real world
Sometimes the best thing to do is to turn off your devices and take a blissful holiday in the world around you. Going for a run, calling a friend, having a bath, reading a book, watching a movie, or even doing the vacuuming can provide a much-needed break from the horror that is unfolding online. It can take immense self-control to disengage from an incident of cyber-bullying, but during my worst moments online, I’ve found that logging out of the digital world has been the best option. You don’t have to read the nasty things people write to or about you. You are allowed to switch off.
Under The Harmful Digital Communications Act, Netsafe offers a free service for people in New Zealand to help with online bullying, harassment and abuse — it is available seven days a week on 0508 NETSAFE (0508 638 723).