Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... DONALD TRUMP

MONDAY

The midterms, CNN, Mueller . . . Not everything is wrong right now but one thing struck me very forcefully on the flight to Paris, and that was that we had to change the pilot.

It’s a funny thing, but when you’ve flown in planes your whole life, you get a feel for the pilot by the way the plane moves, and I was picking up very, very bad vibes from the cockpit. I just knew he wasn’t a good guy. He was a bad guy. Whether his parents brought him up wrong or he just didn’t get the breaks and got bitter about it, I don’t know. But I could tell he was a bad guy and I needed to get him off the plane.

Not just off the controls. Off the plane. That’s the thing with Air Force One, it’s got the latest equipment, it’s beautifully equipped, it’s the envy of the Arab states, the European community, you name it, none of them have a plane as beautiful as Air Force One. So, of course, it’s got parachutes.

He put up a bit of a fight. I will give him that. He was a fighter. Beneath all that rage and that fear, he was an American. And we always put up a fight.

There was a long silence afterwards. I looked up, and said, “So who’s flying this thing?” Well, you never saw people move so fast.

TUESDAY

Paris stinks. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth, and somebody has to say it. It’s not a nice place. It’s really very overrated if you ask me. I don’t enjoy coming here, I never have. For a start, it’s very French.

Their president said some things and they weren’t very nice things, they weren’t very polite. Here’s this guy, he’s hosting the President of the United States, and he’s making pointed comments about nationalism.

Now if he came to the White House it’s not like I would sit there and tell him that Paris stinks. I would pay him the respect that’s due to all the world leaders who come to visit me at the White House, such as Kanye West. I’m really looking forward to coming home, to standing on good, solid American soil. Soil you can trust. Soil you can rely on.

WEDNESDAY

A TOTAL WITCH HUNT LIKE NO OTHER IN AMERICAN HISTORY! CROOKED HILLARY IS BEHIND THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION!

AND CNN! ESPECIALLY CNN! I MEAN WHO CAN TRUST A FAKE NEWS CHANNEL THAT SPELLS ITS NAME OUT IN CAPITALS?

THURSDAY

Voter fraud — let me tell you about voter fraud. The Republicans don’t win and that’s because of voter fraud. Here’s how it works. People who absolutely have no legal right to vote, they get in line, vote, and they wait in line again and vote again. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again. It’s really a disgrace what’s going on.

Now that’s why I’m calling for a national voter ID law. Because you see it in everyday American life. If you buy a box of cereal — you need photo ID. Some customers will buy Apple Jacks, then go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, and come in and try to buy Multi Grain Cheerios. But it’s not going to happen unless they have photo ID.

That’s just a fact.

FRIDAY

Everything is wrong right now.