Xmas shopping
Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ...
SHANE JONES
As New Zealand’s first citizen of the provinces, my advice is to get your Christmas shopping over and done with as expeditiously as possible. Now, by expeditiously what I mean to imply is a quickness of successful accomplishment.
To do so would eliminate unnecessary kerfuffle, and by that I mean disturbance or commotion typically caused by a dispute or conflict, which can so easily happen in shopping malls at this time of year. So get it done, and get it done fast. Would you be interested in a pine seedling? I just happen to have 1.2 million pine seedlings, which I am happy to sell you off the back of a truck, that is to say a piece of mechanised equipment, although I also mean it in the sense of a medium through which something is expressed noisily, constantly, and gaseously.
BOB McCROSKIE
As national director of Family First, my advice is to do your Christmas shopping without getting “stoned” on cannabis. Not long ago I visited Colorado to see the effects of legalised marijuana. It is available in many ways, including “spliffs” and “bongs”. However you take it, I quickly realised that it is a drug which will immediately lead users to inject themselves with horse tranquiliser and then go out and slaughter their families.
And that’s exactly what Big Marijuana wants. But is it what New Zealand wants? Liberalising marijuana laws is the wrong path to go down if we want to eliminate family tensions at this time of year.
We don’t need “cannabis-related agents in the treatment of anxiety disorders” to enjoy Christmas!
IAIN GALLOWAY-SMITH
As a trusted minister in the Labour-led Government, my advice is to rip through your Christmas shopping in less than an hour.
Because why bother evaluating all the possibilities, inspecting the fine print, and making a decision based on a careful and thorough analysis of all the evidence?
I simply walk into a shop and buy the first thing that takes my fancy. I was in Bunnings the other day and I am sure my wife and children will appreciate the Ryobi 2000PSI water blaster equipped with an adjustable lance and a turbo nozzle. Only $168!
SIMON BRIDGES
As the leader of the Opposition, I have very firm advice on Christmas shopping, I’m not afraid to take the lead on this issue, and act decisively, although Christmas shopping means different things to different people, doesn’t it, and I think it’s best if we respect everyone’s views and ideas, I very firmly believe that, because National are the party of ideas, we have so many, many ideas, I can’t give you one straightaway, what’s the rush, and that applies to Christmas shopping, too, you might want to wait for the Boxing Day sales, the kids will understand, won’t they, so long as you lay on Christmas dinner, a hot roast chicken, or cold salmon, you decide.
JACINDA ARDERN
As the Prime Minister, my advice is to get the builders over to do a $3m upgrade of your home security system before you even think of doing your Christmas shopping. Be safe, everyone!