Steve Braunias
Secret Diary of . . . Golriz Ghahraman
MONDAY
War is over — and it’s all thanks to the Green Party.
Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, a woman, took our advice when she announced at a press conference today that New Zealand will be pulling its contingent of military personnel out of Iraq. It is absolutely and unquestionably a win for the Greens. Just the other day I was in the parliamentary cafe when Jacinda came up to me and said, “What should we do about Iraq? Winston and I have been talking about it, but we’ve run out of ideas. Do you have an opinion?”
I laughed hysterically and said, “About everything!”
I took a napkin and sketched a detailed analysis of the situation in Iraq, and handed it back to her.
“What’s this,” she said. I said, “The stick figure represents New Zealand troops, and the house symbolises home. I’ve drawn an arrow to indicate that’s where the troops should go.”
“I see,” she said. “And the smiley face emoji?”
I said, “That’s the world living in peace and tranquillity as a result of deploying our troops.”
“Thank you so much,” she said. “Don’t mention it,” I said. Unfortunately, she took me literally, and failed to mention it at the press conference.
But that’s okay. I’m not in this for the satisfaction of being proved time and time again that I am utterly and unswervingly right.
TUESDAY
Defence Minister Ron Mark, a man, has announced the Government will spend $1 billion to replace the ageing Hercules fleet — and as defence spokesperson for the Green Party, I can state knowledgeably and unequivocally that one billion dollars is a lot of money.
Defence equipment costs a lot but we could have invested in smaller planes and done without the warmaking capability that we’re renewing.
We don’t like the huge spend because we don’t think that the planes have to have a war-making capability and that’s what makes them really expensive.
But even though they have this war-making capability that we don’t like we know that actually their core work is going to be much more focused on things that are not to do with violence and war, which is what we’ve been advocating for really strongly over the years.
Smaller planes without war-making capability is the way to go.
Ideally, though, the Defence Force ought to look into buying a hot-air balloon. I could fill it.
WEDNESDAY
OMG, my Green Party colleague Chloe Swarbrick, a woman, absolutely smashed Mike Hosking, an older white male who owns property and enjoys life to the fullest, in her interview about cannabis law reform. “Come back to me when you’re 54,” he told her. If you’re presented with research and evidence and compassion but that’s your only comeback, then you have lost the argument. Probably every argument.
Because there can be no argument when you’re presented with research and evidence and compassion, and the Greens have a monopoly on those qualities, especially compassion, so Hosking and all his rich mates can f *** off.
THURSDAY
Of course the thing about Thursday that not many people know about is that it was the result of policymaking driven by the Green Party. There was no Thursday until we worked hard, often against sexism and xenophobia, to make it happen.
You’re welcome.
FRIDAY
Friday, too.