Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... the Great Fire of Auckland

CAPE REINGA

What fire?

JACINDA ARDERN

Let me through! Let me through, I say. I must away from Wellington to Auckland, to fulfil my manifest destiny, to do what the people require, to deal with the fire.

So let me through, and do not hold me back! A hose. Give me a hose. And a jacket, and those baggy pants with suspenders, and a hat. No, not that hat. That’s a hat to wear at horse races. I want a fireman’s hat. Yes, that one. It’s a bit big and I can barely see out of it but it looks good. Now get the smoke behind me, billowing in monstrous black forms, evidence of the drama that is unfolding.

And photograph me looking intent, and serious; for I have come to deal with the fire.

THE ANGRY RIGHT

The liberal left will be loving this.

THE LIBERAL LEFT

We’re loving this.

SIMON BRIDGES

Let me through! I know what I’m doing. I’m a former Crown prosecutor and I’ve fought fires bigger than this one. I’ve stamped them out. I’ve given them a bloody hiding. Yeah, I’m tough on this sort of thing. Real tough. And I know that National have got my back.

You take Christopher Luxon. He’s got my back to the point where I can’t go anywhere these days without him breathing down my neck.

EDDIE JONES

Yeah, well I think you might want to look into reports that I’ve been hearing that people in the All Blacks camp started the fire. They wanted a distraction from the very serious charges being made against them that they sent spies to watch an England training session. They wanted a smokescreen. Hell of a way to go about it, if you ask me, but that’s the All Blacks for you. There’s nothing they won’t do to beat England in this weekend’s Rugby World Cup semifinal. That’s just what the All Blacks are all about, isn’t it? Mind games.

WINSTON PETERS

Look sometimes there’s a fire. And sometimes a media company is for the chop, and 500 people could lose their jobs. It doesn’t achieve anything to worry about it. Because some things aren’t built to last. Some other things though will always last the distance. Whether you want them to or not, and whether they add anything of value or not, some things will always be fireproof. Have a good evening.

THE LIBERAL LEFT

I can’t help but feel the convention centre fire is a metaphor for John Key’s National Government and that the firefighters putting out the fire are a symbol of Jacinda Ardern’s Labour Government.

THE ANGRY RIGHT

The workers are always to blame.

BLUFF

What fire?