Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... the All Blacks coach selection panel
JACINDA ARDERN
You’re a strong contender to replace Steve Hansen, Ms Ardern. Your audition video where you ran through your achievements in a little over two minutes showed us you’re a very, very good communicator, and someone who impressed us all as very, very charming. But when we drilled down a bit, your presentation had a fair few half-truths and non-truths. You took credit for things your predecessors helped to set up and some of your numbers were plain wrong. There’s doubt too that you’d really throw yourself into the role and that you might be perceived as the part-time coach of the All Blacks. On the plus side, rugby is about character and you’re plainly a person of strong morals and good intentions. We need a role model like that. A figurehead. What we’re saying here is that the All Blacks are in crisis mode and we’re willing to entertain any possibility.
SIMON BRIDGES
Well you’ve come through a lot and you’re still standing as a credible candidate and that’s got to say something about your endurance. A year ago you were looking dead as a duck but you hung on in there, you stayed the distance, and you’ve been making some good wins over the past few months. You’ve succeeded in making the opposition look pretty average.
But there’s still some doubt whether you can really lead. Just when it seemed you put a stop to the rumours that your job was up for grabs, along comes this guy called Christopher Luxon, who doesn’t have any experience, who has some pretty dodgy ideas, and who is bald, but he’s talked about as someone who might cost you your job. What we’re saying here is that the All Blacks are desperate but maybe not that desperate.
WINSTON PETERS
If we wanted a wily old fox who knows the game inside out, who knows where the bodies are buried, who knows how to keep things fresh, tense, and downright weird at all times, then you’re our man, Mr Peters. You’ve got the experience. You’ve got the knowhow. You’ve got a nice smile, too.
But you’re a very private man. You’ll protect your privacy at such lengths that you’ll take people to court and say they’ve breached your privacy. What confuses matters though is that you’ll play the whole thing out in public, in front of the cameras and on the front page.
There’s just no controlling or anticipating your next move. What we’re saying here regards your chances as All Blacks coach is to hold up a great big sign you brought to this selection interview. It says NO.
JAMES SHAW
You got a black eye and the guy who did it went to jail. That’s not the sort of person we want leading the All Blacks. Next.
DAVID SEYMOUR
Next.
JAMI-LEE ROSS
Next.
JUDITH COLLINS
Really? Seriously?
JOHN TAMIHERE
Look at the time. We must be going.
SHANE JONES
We’re sorry but we’re not seeing anyone else at this point in time. Well, look, there’s no need for that kind of language, and so what if one of the selection panel is Indian.
ANDY FOSTER
We note that you’re backed by Sir Peter Jackson. Please, take a seat, and tell us what we can do for you.