Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... New Year’s resolutions
Jacinda Ardern
Let me be perfectly clear about my New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to get together with my chief press secretary, Andrew Campbell, and we’ll work on pithy and attractive soundbites that will function as resolutions. We did the same this time last year and that’s when we came up with my resolution that
2019 would be the
Government’s Year of Delivery. I presented it at the caucus retreat in Marlborough. Afterwards, I remember Phil Twyford jumping up and down, and saying, “Year of Delivery! I love it. I can tell you right now that I’m going to deliver.”
And he was true to his word. After I sacked him as housing minister, he found himself with a lot of time on his hands, so I asked him to deliver some mail.
I ran into him recently and he said he hadn’t delivered it yet but was going to.
Simon Bridges
I’m going to get tough. That’s my New Year’s resolution. Or should I say resolutions, because I’m going to get tough on a great number of things.
I’m going to get tough on criminals.
I’m going to get tough on beneficiaries.
I’m going to get tough on people who ride bicycles.
I’m going to get tough on — uh — hang on — there was something else — it came to mind the other day — what was it — I can remember thinking it would appeal to ordinary, decent Kiwis as well as rednecks and creeps — oh — yes — I don’t remember the specifics but it was like, “I’m going to get tough on M¯aori something something.”
It might have been M¯aori criminals on the dole who ride bicycles? Will check.
Winston Peters
Any journalist from the so-called Fourth Estate who thinks they can invade my privacy by asking me whether I made any New Year’s resolutions ought to have their head examined or at the very least walk around with a sign on their back reading I’M A COMPLETE MORON.
That aside, my party’s fundamental position is that the role of the Fourth Estate is essential. I have a soft spot for morons.
The Woke Left
We the undersigned who are of like mind and shared wild prejudice hereby resolve to express shock and dismay at anything which upsets us.
We demand trigger warnings every time we step out the door in case our rigid convictions and superior moral stance are challenged.
We shall misrepresent and make false accusations and order the cancellations of all persons considered unwoke.
Other than that, we’re pretty chilled.
The Angry Right
Millennials! Ugh. God. Awful people. They look so young, and they go on marches. Let’s resolve to hate them.
Liberals! Good grief. Snowflakes. PC gone mad. They spend other people’s money, and they commit to causes. Let’s resolve to hate them.
Intellectuals! No, no, no. Blinkered. All brains and no sense. They jump down people’s throats, and they present research. Let’s resolve to hate them. News media! Yeah right. Clickbait. Fake news. They take photographs of Jacinda Ardern and they report facts. Let’s resolve to hate them especially.
The Secret Diarist
I resolve to satirise nice, Once or at most twice. I resolve to make my parodies kind, But I’ll probably change my mind.