The secret diary of . . . The Collins Gang
WHITEY COLLINS
News of the first poll came in as we were sittin’ in the saloon and starin’ into our glasses. We all stared a little deeper when we heard the results.
BROWNIE GOLDSMITH
There was a little bit of light comin’ through the saloon doors but all of a sudden it got dark.
WHITEY COLLINS
I could tell by his distinctive shape that my loyal deputy had arrived.
DEPUTY GERRY
I stood at the saloon doors and looked in. It was like this back in the winter of 2002 when the English Gang done got shot up real bad by Big Bad Clark.
DOC NICK
Sure, I remember that winter. It was cold as hell. Some of us didn’t last. Be a shame to see that happen again. It surely would. But if it does, then I reckon they might have to look to good ol’ Doc Smith to take over.
REVEREND LUXON
I looked over at Doc Nick. He was talkin’ to himself. I took note of that and stored it away. That’s what I do. Take note and store things away. ’Cos the time will come when they’ll want good ol’ Reverend Luxon to take over.
WHITEY COLLINS
I said to Gerry, “Tell ’em the truth about that poll. Tell it to ’em straight.”
DEPUTY GERRY
I said to ’em, “I’ve got but one thing to say about that darned poll. It’s rogue. It’s gone rogue, that poll and it don’t rightly know what the hell it’s talkin’ about. To say that people don’t like the Collins Gang — well, hell, that ain’t true, not one little bit. There’s another poll comin’ out soon and that’ll tell ya a different story. Yeah!”
WHITEY COLLINS
I said, “You heard the man. We are strong. We are trusted. We are respected.”
DING-DONG DEAN
We should tell the townsfolk that we done built 30,000 state homes the last time we were in office! At least 30,000! Maybe double that!
LITTLE WILLIE WOOD
They wouldn’t let me in the saloon! Said I was under-age! Told me to run away and not bother ’em! Well, I reckon I can find a way to get their attention!
WHITEY COLLINS
I looked around the saloon, and said to ’em straight, “Who’s with me and who ain’t?”
PAULA BENNETT
I ain’t.
SARAH DOWIE
I ain’t.
ANNE TOLLEY
I ain’t.
NIKKI KAYE
I ain’t.
NATHAN GUY
I ain’t.
AMY ADAMS
I ain’t.
WHITEY COLLINS
I was moved by their show of support.
DEPUTY GERRY
News of the second poll came in just as I was settin’ up drinks for everybody at the saloon. But it was yet another rogue result that made us look bad, so I decided to drink ’em all myself.
BROWNIE GOLDSMITH
There was a little bit of light comin’ through the saloon doors but all of a sudden it got dark.
WHITEY COLLINS
There was no sense in wasting money on power bills so I switched off the lights. As we sat there in darkness I reflected that as a woman of colour — white — I know what it’s like to belong to a minority.