The secret diary of . . . that Trump interview
JONATHAN SWAN
Gidday, Sir.
PRESIDENT TRUMP
Okay, so I can tell from your accent that you’re not an American, you’re from one of those obscure Englishspeaking countries, maybe New Zealand — no, please don’t interrupt, okay? — and I’m fine with that, you know, I mean it might be a different story if you were Chinese. Because this virus was sent to us by China and we’re never going to forget it. Believe me, we’re never going to forget it. They tried to destroy the United States. But we’ve coped with it beautifully, the virus is totally under control and, you know, I wish Ghislaine Maxwell good luck.
SWAN
But 140,000 Americans have died and 1000 are dying each day.
TRUMP
But do you know what’s more important? These charts. I’ve brought along some charts, some very good charts and they will show you that there are 188 countries right now that are suffering far greater than we are. Okay? Look at these charts.
SWAN
What do these charts say about testing for the virus?
TRUMP
Well, there are those that say you can test too much. You do know that.
SWAN
Who says that?
TRUMP
It’s in the manuals.
SWAN
What manuals?
TRUMP
It’s in the books.
SWAN
What books?
TRUMP
No, you wanted to ask me about these charts. These are the latest charts, they’re printed on good quality paper, they’ve been spellchecked, you won’t find a single fault in these charts. Obama never had charts like these. The Clintons, they never had charts like these. Look how smooth they are.
SWAN
The figure I’m looking for is deaths.
TRUMP
Well, right here, look at this chart, it shows you that the United States is lowest in numerous categories. We’re lower than the world. We’re last, which means we’re first.
SWAN
But when it comes to deaths, the US is really bad, much worse than South Korea, Germany, et cetera.
TRUMP
That’s not what I’ve read.
SWAN
Read where?
TRUMP
In manuals.
SWAN
What manuals?
TRUMP
In books.
SWAN
What books?
TRUMP
You asked about deaths. This chart deals with deaths. Death is way down from where it was. Death is down in
Arizona. It’s going down in Florida.
SWAN
Nationally it’s going up.
TRUMP
Death is down in Texas. It’s going down in Florida.
SWAN
But nationally it’s going up.
TRUMP
Here’s what I think is interesting. Nobody ever brings up China. But China is a bigger problem than global warming. A much bigger problem than global warming in terms of the real world.
SWAN
What do you base that on?
TRUMP
I read a lot. They like to say I don’t read. I read a lot. I comprehend extraordinarily well, probably better than anybody that you’ve interviewed in a long time. I read a lot.
SWAN
What do you read?
TRUMP
I read manuals.
SWAN
What manuals?
TRUMP
I read books.
SWAN
What books?
TRUMP
Would you like to these charts away with you? A souvenir. A memento, like a MAGA hat but a bit more personal. I’ll sign them. You can take them, if you like, you seem like a nice young man — and say hello to everybody in New Zealand. I bet they wish they were in the US right now. In fact, I know they do.