The secret diary of . . . the election campaign
MONDAY
Jacinda Ardern: Monday is the first day of the working week and in many ways that’s in line with Government thinking, which is that every day is the first day of the rest of your life, although we must respect the past and what it’s taken for us to get to this point and, as much as the future is a concept the Government is committed to, we’re also obliged to think of the present, that there are 24 hours in a day and each of them is precious to our well-being as a team of five million, many of whom have come out to see me today on the election campaign. Hello everyone! Judith Collins: I don’t like Mondays. Who does? It’s just another day for the Government to ruin.
David Seymour: I like Mondays. You know? I mean they’re not as good as Sundays but, if you’ve got the right attitude, then Mondays can be something all New Zealanders can enjoy.
Winston Peters: I’m not taking questions about Mondays.
Marama Davidson: The Greens would love to tax Mondays.
Billy Te Kahika jnr: Let’s have mask-free Mondays. What could go wrong?
TUESDAY
Jacinda Ardern: Tuesday is a stepping stone in the week but it’s more than that, it’s got its own identity and core values and the
Government is committed to a quality of living for our team of five million, many of whom have come out to see me today on the election campaign. Hello everyone!
Judith Collins: Tuesdays have lost their shine under the Government. They’re awful, just awful.
David Seymour: Tuesdays are full of promise, aren’t they? You’ve got through Monday and you’ve still got a bit of zip. It’s a great day for New Zealanders to get things done.
Winston Peters: I’m not taking questions about Tuesdays.
Marama Davidson: The Greens would love to tax Tuesdays.
Billy Te Kahika jnr: Let’s have mask-free Tuesdays. Nothing will happen.
WEDNESDAY
Jacinda Ardern: Hello Wednesday and hello everyone!
Judith Collins: Wednesdays? Ugh.
David Seymour: Wednesdays are all good.
Winston Peters: No Wednesday questions.
Marama Davidson: Love tax Wednesdays.
Billy Te Kahika jnr: No-mask Wednesdays.
THURSDAY
Jacinda Ardern: Thursdays, everyone!
Judith Collins: Hate Thursdays.
David Seymour: Love Thursdays.
Winston Peters: No questions.
Marama Davidson: Love tax.
Billy Te Kahika jnr: No masks.
FRIDAY
Jacinda Ardern: Fridays are a good chance for the Government to look back on the week and say, “Well, on one hand, we’re officially in a recession but, on the other hand, we’ve got Bledisloe Cup rugby coming up in Wellington and Auckland.” And that’s something our team of five million will keep in mind on October 17.
Judith Collins: We’re going to have to change the calendars, because under this Government, every Friday is the 13th. We’ve had three years of Black Fridays and it’s sapped the collective will. Every Friday is basically a voodoo doll that the Government sticks its pins into and puts into a coma. Thank you for listening to my credible and uplifting message.
David Seymour: TGIF! Great weekend, everyone.
Winston Peters: No.
Marama Davidson: CGT.
Billy Te Kahika jnr: I don’t feel well.