The Secret Diary of . . . the leaders’ debates
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Jacinda Ardern: New Zealanders trusted my Government to get us through Covid. We went hard and we went early. But now we’re faced with the chicken needing to cross the road so it can get to the other side. It’s not going to be easy, but my Government has a plan. We want to invest in the chicken. We want to ring- fence its mental health. We want to give it opportunities to scratch around in the dirt and feed on scraps. And so we’re asking New Zealanders to put their trust in my Government once again. Let’s get the chicken moving.
Judith Collins: I had a chicken farm in Samoa. It wasn’t flash but I tell you what, we loved those chickens so I don’t take kindly to Miss Ardern saying she hates them. I always used to say that chickens were man’s best friend. It broke my heart to have to chop their heads off. But it didn’t bother the chickens. They ran off headless and crossed the road like their lives depended on it, although it was a bit late for that. And do you know what was on the other side? That’s right. A tax cut.
Why is the sky blue?
Jacinda Ardern: Covid was an unprecedented crisis. There was no playbook for it. But my Government met the challenge and we listened to experts such as the director general of health, Dr Ashley Bloomfield. And if he were here right now then he would tell us that to understand why the sky is blue, we need to consider the nature of sunlight and how it interacts with the gas molecules that make up our atmosphere — but I’m sure he’d put it better than that, and with that gentle smile we all came to know and love. Judith Collins: Miss Ardern can talk about communism all she wants but there’s only one God, the creator of all things.
By the way, satanism is on the rise in New Zealand. Right now there are children practising blood sacrifices and bringing New
Zealand to its knees. I’m not saying gay conversion therapy would help but what harm does it cause, really?
As a Christian, I don’t think we should rush to judgment.
Is suffering a necessary part of the human condition?
Judith Collins: What a ridiculous thing to ask. It’s woke to sit around and make up scary stories about climate change but I tell you what, I always have fun. Hah! I can’t stop laughing sometimes. Hah! Hah! I sit up in my attic with my porcelain dolly on my lap and together we laugh and laugh and laugh and she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and when I pull her string, she says, “I can’t wait till you’re Prime Minister.” Hah! Hah! Hah!
Jacinda Ardern: We all saw the suffering caused by Covid. They were dark times for this country. But we faced them together, summer is nearly here, Christmas is coming, and so is October 17, but if I were you, I’d vote today, while all the polls are telling us it seems very, very likely that Labour will no longer have to suffer that necessary part of an MMP government known as Winston Peters.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Jacinda Ardern: Is that from a Carpenters’ song?
Judith Collins: Well of course it is, why does Miss Ardern even have to ask, was she born a congenital idiot? You know what, as I go around the country, people line up on the pavement and sing that song to me.
I know all the words, and so the answer to the question is, “They just long to be close to you.” We all saw that this week when I was on Ponsonby Rd.
What’s for dinner? Jacinda Ardern:
That chicken which tried to cross the road? It didn’t make it.
Judith Collins: I have a goose, and I tell you what, it’s well and truly cooked.