Weekend Herald

The Se­cret Di­ary of . . . the lead­ers’ de­bates

- Steve Brau­nias Jacinda Ardern · Judith Collins · Samoa · New Zealand · Fun (band) · Winston Peters · The Carpenters

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jacinda Ardern: New Zealan­ders trusted my Gov­ern­ment to get us through Covid. We went hard and we went early. But now we’re faced with the chicken need­ing to cross the road so it can get to the other side. It’s not go­ing to be easy, but my Gov­ern­ment has a plan. We want to in­vest in the chicken. We want to ring- fence its men­tal health. We want to give it op­por­tu­ni­ties to scratch around in the dirt and feed on scraps. And so we’re ask­ing New Zealan­ders to put their trust in my Gov­ern­ment once again. Let’s get the chicken mov­ing.

Ju­dith Collins: I had a chicken farm in Samoa. It wasn’t flash but I tell you what, we loved those chick­ens so I don’t take kindly to Miss Ardern say­ing she hates them. I al­ways used to say that chick­ens were man’s best friend. It broke my heart to have to chop their heads off. But it didn’t bother the chick­ens. They ran off head­less and crossed the road like their lives de­pended on it, although it was a bit late for that. And do you know what was on the other side? That’s right. A tax cut.

Why is the sky blue?

Jacinda Ardern: Covid was an un­prece­dented cri­sis. There was no play­book for it. But my Gov­ern­ment met the chal­lenge and we lis­tened to ex­perts such as the direc­tor gen­eral of health, Dr Ash­ley Bloom­field. And if he were here right now then he would tell us that to un­der­stand why the sky is blue, we need to con­sider the na­ture of sun­light and how it in­ter­acts with the gas mol­e­cules that make up our at­mos­phere — but I’m sure he’d put it bet­ter than that, and with that gen­tle smile we all came to know and love. Ju­dith Collins: Miss Ardern can talk about com­mu­nism all she wants but there’s only one God, the creator of all things.

By the way, sa­tanism is on the rise in New Zealand. Right now there are chil­dren prac­tis­ing blood sac­ri­fices and bring­ing New

Zealand to its knees. I’m not say­ing gay con­ver­sion ther­apy would help but what harm does it cause, re­ally?

As a Chris­tian, I don’t think we should rush to judg­ment.

Is suf­fer­ing a nec­es­sary part of the hu­man con­di­tion?

Ju­dith Collins: What a ridicu­lous thing to ask. It’s woke to sit around and make up scary sto­ries about cli­mate change but I tell you what, I al­ways have fun. Hah! I can’t stop laugh­ing some­times. Hah! Hah! I sit up in my at­tic with my porce­lain dolly on my lap and to­gether we laugh and laugh and laugh and she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and when I pull her string, she says, “I can’t wait till you’re Prime Min­is­ter.” Hah! Hah! Hah!

Jacinda Ardern: We all saw the suf­fer­ing caused by Covid. They were dark times for this coun­try. But we faced them to­gether, sum­mer is nearly here, Christ­mas is com­ing, and so is Oc­to­ber 17, but if I were you, I’d vote to­day, while all the polls are telling us it seems very, very likely that Labour will no longer have to suf­fer that nec­es­sary part of an MMP gov­ern­ment known as Win­ston Peters.

Why do birds sud­denly ap­pear ev­ery time you are near?

Jacinda Ardern: Is that from a Car­pen­ters’ song?

Ju­dith Collins: Well of course it is, why does Miss Ardern even have to ask, was she born a con­gen­i­tal id­iot? You know what, as I go around the coun­try, peo­ple line up on the pave­ment and sing that song to me.

I know all the words, and so the answer to the ques­tion is, “They just long to be close to you.” We all saw that this week when I was on Pon­sonby Rd.

What’s for din­ner? Jacinda Ardern:

That chicken which tried to cross the road? It didn’t make it.

Ju­dith Collins: I have a goose, and I tell you what, it’s well and truly cooked.

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 ??  ?? Ju­dith Collins doesn’t take kindly to Jacinda Ardern say­ing she hates chick­ens. Photos / Stuff
Ju­dith Collins doesn’t take kindly to Jacinda Ardern say­ing she hates chick­ens. Photos / Stuff

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