The Secret Diary of . . . gangs
The Mongols: O autumn! O season of falling leaves and the lightness of being. People stereotype deported 501s from Australia as hardened criminals without any appreciation of beauty but the Mongols are sensitive to criticism. In fact, no gang is more f ***en sensitive than the Mongols. The Head Hunters: Autumn is with us, heralding a melancholy season of such sweet sorrows and tender longings. People think of violent gangs who trade in methamphetamine as devoid of fine feelings but the Head Hunters stand up for fine feelings. In fact, no gang has finer f ***en feelings than the Head Hunters.
TUESDAY
The Head Hunters: We suspect that a rival consortium from Australia was behind the raid on our corporate offices at 232 Marua Rd in Mt Wellington on Sunday. A number of semi-automatic weapons were involved, making us rather doubt the effectiveness of the police ban on firearms. Certainly, the boys are hurting. Well, the best way to boost morale is to arrange a staff outing.
The Mongols: Our manufacturing sector and our distribution arm have met their methamphetamine targets, and our military division achieved excellent results on Sunday. Celebrations are in order. Our glee club is working on a staff outing.
WEDNESDAY
The Mongols: New Zealand pales in comparison to the cosmopolitan nightlife we enjoyed in Australia but the Auckland Viaduct has its charms. We have made bookings at the Sofitel, which has exquisitely designed spaces that exude chic design with a hint of the French touch.
The Head Hunters: The unmistakable influence of fashion has imbued Sofitel with a couture approach to service, from the fine attention paid to the smallest detail, to the elaborate flourishes that enchant and delight guests. It’s a good match for the Head Hunters, who are known across New Zealand as enchanting and delightful company.
THURSDAY
The Mongols: Yeah bro, this Head Hunter **** walks in and it’s all f ***en on.
The Head Hunters: Yeah nah, we see this Mongol **** and it’s all f ***en on.
Simon Bridges: I told you this’d happen.
Simeon Brown: Simon told you this’d happen.
Police Commissioner Andrew Coster: We see that as a very undesirable shift in our criminal landscape.
Every gang in New Zealand: We see Andrew Coster as no great impediment to the way we conduct our affairs although the fact many of our employees are in jail is a bit of a nuisance.
FRIDAY
The Head Hunters: O autumn! O season of gunshots in Mt Wellington
and the Viaduct. It inspires a delicate poem:
War is hell
Oh well.
The Mongols: People stereotype deported 501s from Australia as brash upstarts who have become major players in the lucrative methamphetamine trade, introduced a new level of violence, and raised fears that armed conflict with rival gangs will increasingly spill out into public places and that an innocent bystander — an average joker, someone’s grandmother, a kid — will get killed.
Some stereotypes are entirely accurate.