The Secret Diary of . . . 60 Minutes Australia
MONDAY
0300 hours. We arrive in the land of our neighbours, who have always held Australians close to their heart and wish us well in all our endeavours, especially sport, but immediately we sense something is wrong.
Why is it so dark?
What is New Zealand hiding?
0900 hours. Our film crew have made it into the highly secretive centre of power and influence in New Zealand that very few people know about. We did it by asking questions. That’s what 60 Minutes is famous for and it’s earned us a reputation for hard-hitting investigative journalism that peels back the onion of current affairs until viewers cry.
We went up to someone on the street in Wellington and asked, “Excuse me mate, where’s the Beehive?” They pointed across the road. 1500 hours. But some questions are so hard that they just can’t be answered.
Our reporter, a combination of Alan Jones, Martin Bashir and Ted Baxter from The Mary Tyler Moore Show, went straight up to Jacinda Ardern, got right in her face, literally got right up her nose, and asked, “Would you say New Zealand is in thrall to China to such an extent that it is thinking of changing its name to New Xi-land and setting up Chinese concentration camps in the arid expanses of the Rangipo Desert?”
She said, “No.”
But did she mean yes?
We’ll search deeper, and interview experts in the field.
TUESDAY
1000 hours. We interview foreign policy analyst Mike Hosking. He says Ardern lies about everything.
WEDNESDAY
2030 hours. We finally manage to get away from foreign policy analyst Mike Hosking. Can that guy talk!
2311 hours. Something funny is going on with the moon. It’s turning bloodred — the colour of the Chinese Communist Party. Coincidence? We doubt it.
THURSDAY
0500 hours. Why is it so dark? We think we know the answers and fly back to Australia to edit a trailer for Sunday night’s show.
FRIDAY
1700 hours: All day yesterday and today we can see New Zealanders laughing at our trailer and scorning it as sensationalist trash.
Is it because they find it ridiculous — or because China has given them orders to laugh?
One thing’s for certain. Our show on Sunday night is bound to rate through the roof.