The Secret Diary of . . . Adrian Orr
MONDAY
“As they say, ‘fill ‘er up!’ Although why is it always a her?”, I said to the petrol pump attendant.
“It’s self-service,” he said. He was standing behind a “counter”. There were bars of chocolate, muffins, chewing gum and peppermints for sale. It was all very confusing. Since when have petrol stations doubled as convenience stores?
The ways of the modern world are many and varied.
Nevertheless, I responded to the challenge, and “filled ‘er up”, as they say.
I went inside to pay and decided I would also buy a bar of chocolate and a packet of mints.
The figure he quoted took me by surprise.
“That’s rather a lot,” I said. “Inflation, right,” he said.
I took stock of the situation and asked him to deduct the price of the chocolate bar. I could live without it, just. But the figure was still too high, so I asked him to deduct the price of the mints. It made little difference. “There’s only thing for it,” I said. “We take Paywave,” he said. “No, what I mean is that I have no choice but to return some of the petrol. Do you have a siphon? I’ve seen it done.”
“What?”
A long queue had gathered. I turned, and announced to the room, “As governor of the Reserve Bank, I must lead by example and put a curb on my spending. If we all did the same, inflation can be tamed. Tamed, I say!”
No one said anything.
I turned to the attendant. “How are you going with that search for a siphon,” I put to the good fellow.
“Sorry, mate,” he said. “Just pay.”
I was left with no choice, but advised him, “Sorry isn’t good enough.”
TUESDAY
Bought a Mercedes.
WEDNESDAY Bought a Renoir.
THURSDAY
To Parliament, to explain to our political representatives why it is that the Reserve Bank is deliberately engineering a recession.
I said to the half-wits, “I am trying to slow aggregate spending in the economy because the quicker inflation expectations come down the less work we need to do and the less likely it is that we have a prolonged period of low or negative growth.”
They said, “What?”
“I have something else to say. Something important, very important Indeed.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“I’m really terribly sorry. Dreadfully so. I apologise. I do, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry. Very sorry, very sorry indeed.”
No one said anything.
It’s a poor show not to accept an apology when it is sincerely offered. But that’s Parliament for you. They don’t really understand economics.
FRIDAY
I seem to have used up a fair bit of “gas” this week, so I returned to the petrol station slash convenience store and “filled ‘er up”, as they say.
“And two bars of chocolate and a packet of mints,” I instructed the youth behind the “counter”.
He quoted the figure.
“I believe you take Paywave,” I said. I conducted the transaction, and then he said, “You were in here the other day going on about curbing your spending.”
I laughed, and said, “Earlier this month, the Government reappointed me as Reserve Bank Governor for another five-year term, effective from March 27, 2023. Do you know how much I make?”
He said he didn’t want to know and that there were customers waiting.
I turned, and announced to the room, “Have a wonderful and sensibly spending Christmas!”
No one said anything.