Too frightened to have more kids
Paediatric nurse Emma Payne saw heartbreaking cases of sick children. Then she fell pregnant and her worst fears were realised, writes Carolyne Meng-Yee
Emma Payne loves children but was scared to have her own. The paediatric emergency nurse works at Christchurch Hospital and says caring for sick children had put her off.
“Being a paediatric nurse, I had a fear of having children, we see the worse of the worse of sick kids and it puts you off having kids, but you hope and think, “It won’t happen to me,” Emma said.
In 2021, Emma, 34, and her husband, Colin, 32, were hoping for a baby sister for their son, Wyatt, 3, a healthy boisterous little boy. Twenty-two weeks into her pregnancy, Emma and Colin were forced to make the most unthinkable decision to terminate their pregnancy.
At 12 weeks, the baby was diagnosed with truncus arteriosus, a rare heart defect with only one blood vessel connected to the heart, instead of the main pulmonary artery and the aorta.
Emma had had genetic testing for any abnormalities and multiple scans but everything appeared normal. But at 22 weeks, doctors at Starship children’s hospital strongly recommended Emma terminate her pregnancy.
“They said the baby might not survive the birth, or she might survive for two years, and she wouldn’t live past 30. It meant months and months in hospital and multiple surgeries her whole life. We had to make the tough decision, ‘Did we want to put her through that?’ We didn’t, she was induced at 23 weeks and died during birth. Nothing prepares you for the worst, we desperately wanted her, but we didn’t want to bring her into a life of pain and suffering, we couldn’t do that to her.”
Blakely Payne was born at 8pm on December 8, 2021, at Christchurch Hospital after nine hours of intense labour. Covid prevented Colin, an agricultural contractor from Christchurch, from being there.
Luckily, Wyatt got to meet his little sister.
“Leading up to the birth and during the birth it was a strange feeling, I dreaded. Usually, you are excited after birth, you meet your baby and take them home, but I knew I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to feel, I just wanted to close my eyes and it to be over with. But when she finally came, I didn’t want it to be over or to stop holding her or let her go. I just wanted to pause that moment.”
Emma and Wyatt got to put nappies on Blakely, dress her and take family photos. That night Emma slept with her in her bed and held on to her.
“The hardest part was handing her over in a man-made coffin at the crematorium the next day. I didn’t want to let her go, I knew I would never see her again.”
Emma wears Blakely close to her heart, her ashes were made into a heart-shaped necklace. “Wyatt touches my heart and says, ‘Blakely’. I talk to him about Blakely a lot.”
Desperate to give Wyatt another sister, Emma fell pregnant six months later with her third child, Paige.
“I was excited and extremely anxious, I never wanted to go through what I did with Blakely ever again. I had to put her death in the back of my mind and try again.”
Doctors assured Emma the baby was healthy but there was a 2 per cent possibility it might have a heart defect. Unfortunately, Emma’s 20-week scan revealed her baby had coarctation of the aorta, which is a severe narrowing of the aorta.
“We had so many scans and each time the doctors were hopeful, I was devastated to find out Paige had a severe heart condition, it was so unfair, I thought my worst nightmare is happening again.”
Paige was born on February 7 at 10pm and had open heart surgery when she was 3 days old. Emma held her
They had to take her away to save her. It brought back memories of Blakely and having to let her go.
Emma Payne on the birth of Paige
briefly but couldn’t have any skin-on-skin time or breastfeed her.
“They had to take her away to save her. It brought back memories of Blakely and having to let her go. There was no blood supply from her chest down because her aorta was too narrow. Five days later they had to open her up again because there was a complication and Paige got septicaemia. Her vocal cords, which are connected to the aorta, were also damaged by the surgery.
“She had vocal cord paralysis. We realised she didn’t cry and when I breastfed her, she choked, we were so worried she might never talk properly again but thankfully she has healed. It’s hard being a nurse, I feel like sometimes you know too much and what can go wrong.”
The Payne family are grateful to the Heart Kids charity for providing them with financial and emotional support.
“Heart Kids is an amazing sounding board for heart children, they support us for all the decisions we make and have introduced us to other heart families. Please donate and support this amazing charity — they are with you for life.”
Emma believes Paige is a gift from Blakely, she never stops worrying about her. Although her surgery was successful, Paige will need regular check-ups and monitoring.
“I know she is physically healthy, but I worry about her heart. Aside from the scar it’s not something you can physically see. I have a massive fear I will lose a child again. We always wanted another little girl and this is a gift from Blakely. Paige looks like my mum. She is a beautiful, happy, smiley baby who is nosey and likes to know what is going on around her. Wyatt loves holding on to her tiny fingers, he says, ‘Paige, you are adorable, I love you baby sister.’”