The Secret Diary of . . . Christmas
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Last Christmas, I gave you my word
Make me PM next year
And I’ll save you from fear.
This year, I got the top job But gave it away to Winston.
Happy election, I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying “Get NZ back on track”, I meant it
Now I know what a fool I’ve been
Cos all I achieved was getting Winston back on track again.
Last Christmas, I gave you my dream
Vote National in
And I’ll be in with a grin.
This year, despite everything,
I’m stuck in a coalition.
CHRIS HIPKINS
It was Christmas Eve, babe
In the Beehive bar.
I very much doubt
I’ll see another one. And then
I sang a song A loud self- pitying tune.
I bleated on and on
And dreamed about you.
You left me in the lurch
When you went away.
But you just didn’t care
And that’s what really hurts.
So happy Christmas I miss you, baby
I crashed the family car
This is on you, Jacinda.
IAN FOSTER
Oh hells bells!
Oh hells bells!
Hells bells all year long!
We went to France
We thought we had a chance
But we got it so horribly wrong.
Aue ¯ !
SIR PETER JACKSON
So this is Christmas
And what have I done?
Revived the Beatles’
Now and Then’s at number one.
And so this is Christmas
The song was awful
A tuneless old dirge
But I got to hang with Paul.
LIZ GUNN
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Except if you look a bit more closely at Feliz Navidad, and do a bit of digging, which is something that socalled journalists never do in this country, they never even fact- check, they only ever make wild statements without any foundation of even logic, they cannot be taken seriously, they are wilful and unhinged and follow their own crazed agenda, but actually it’s sadder than that because they really do seem to come across as lost and unhappy, suffering from some strange, deep hurt, which makes you worry about their mental health and prevents you from saying anything too harsh about them – anyway, Feliz Navidad is clearly a hidden message to New Zealanders. Happy New Year, everyone!
WINSTON PETERS
We three kings of coalition are Him, and him, and me, Winston Peters.
JACINDA ARDERN
I’m dreaming of a nice Christmas Not like the one I had last year.
I was widely hated
And so I stated
See ya later; let me outta here.
I’m dreaming of a nice Christmas
Like one that all Kiwis have in mind.
No political chatter
That stuff, it don’t matter
Just kick back; and please, do be kind.